Taking the Scenic Route

I love cooler weather!  I have so much more energy and life just seems more peaceful when I am not sweating and hot all the time.  My house is cleaner & I made a big pot of potato, green beans, carrot & ham soup today and then brownies for dessert.  My house smells so good and cozy now.  I am achy from the efforts of the day, but it is a good “I feel like I accomplished something” ache instead of the icky “too hot to feel like doing anything but sleeping” of the past few months.  I could never move farther south.  lol.  I would never accomplish anything.   I am just not built for warm weather.

My mom called tonight.  My SIL got the job she was wanting.  She will make as much as my brother now, and probably actually take home more since he has insurance and such deducted from his check.  She is going to have to hire a manager for the store now, but will still come out way ahead.  I am really happy for her.  The job sounds like a great fit for her.

My Neighbor got Bad News

I am stunned.  She found out today she does have heart problems.  She doesn’t understand the dx very well, so she couldn’t explain it very well.  There is some sort of valve problem, it doesn’t beat steady enough, and is the wrong size (she doesn’t know if that is too large or two small).  From my limited personal knowledge, I would guess too large, but that is more because I guess her heart is having to work harder than normal and has enlarged as a result, but I really don’t know. 

I called my SIL today.  She has also been a heart patient since her late teens/early 20s and is a nurse.  She was busy when I called, but took down Ann’s (not her real name, but I am tired of always saying ‘neighbor gal’) phone number to call her back.  Besides the heart problems, they also share a love of sports, automotive stuff (both like fixing cars), and Nascar (although they root for rival drivers).  Maybe they will be able to make a connection.  At the very least, maybe Ann won’t feel quite so alone with this one.  I can identify easily with the gynecological problems, but the heart problems is really out of my scope of experience. 

She is very much in shock.  I wish I knew what to do to help her, but I doubt there is much other than just listening.  I am so sad for her.

Oh, my dear husband.    In response to Tom Delay’s comments.  (today’s series of entries)

Nice day today.  The weather finally cooled off…it is in the high 60s, low 70s.  No A/C, and still nice and cool inside.  I got more housework done today than I have in ages.  Zane and I put together a puzzle and played with “Little People” for a while.  Zach turned in his resume, and when he got home from school this evening we had stir-fry.  I am thinking about doing some baking tonight because brownies sound awfully yummy!

Later, after Zach finishes his homework, our neighbors are going to be coming over so we can help them with their resume.  Add him to the list of people interviewing for a great job this week!  Something must be in the air, I tell ya!

Oh do I wish I had my camera this evening!  (lent to Dori & Robert to take pictures of merchandise for her new web business).

The Brest Friend nursing pillow I got at the trading post at MDC came today.  Zane saw a big box and assumed it was his. lol.  He has been wearing the pillow around his waist most of the afternoon and evening.

Of course, as soon as I start posting this, he spilled soy milk all over it, so it is now the cover is in the washer.  *sigh*  oh well.  Probably won’t be the first time it gets goo all over it.  lol.

Zach felt the test went well yesterday, so that was a relief.  He also took his resume to get printed off today.  He just got home and it looks really nice.  One of us is going to run over to Office Max to grab an envelope to seal it in, and he will hand it in tomorrow.  So, good on that front.

I just talked to my brother for a bit.  My SIL has a big job interview tomorrow for a job she is really wanting.  Hopefully this will be a good week/month for our whole family!

Speaking of finally getting a good job, I forgot to mention that Robert, Zach’s best friend, got the best job he has ever had.  He has always had minimum wage jobs, but last week started at the Post Office, on the night shift.  He deals with the mail that the computer rejects because it can’t read the address.  He won’t get benefits right away, but when he makes it through the probationary time period, the benefits should kick in.  We are so happy for him.  Finally something went right!

My neighbor got a call back from her dr. today.  They want her to come in to do a heart evaluation, and then will probably schedule her for a hysterectomy sometime soon.  The hysterectomy is a mixed reaction, but the heart evaluation has her freaked out.  How many things is that poor gal going to get hit with!  She is only 21.

My ear is dented

Ok, not really, but it feels like it.  I have been on the phone all day now.  Between dealing with tweaking the resume and talking to friends about the VBAC post, being on hold for a long flippin’ time dealing with some insurance stuff (and then losing the connection, grrrrrrr), and a few other random calls, I feel like I should just have the thing surgically implanted to my skull. lol.  I need to call back the person helping us tweak the resume, but I decided it would be a good idea to let the phone recharge a bit first.  The insurance stuff will have to wait until tomorrow because they are closed now.

Phoebe, if you see this, check your email.  The phone number I have for you doesn’t work.

Zach is a stress puppy right now.  Besides dealing with the good stress of the job possibility (and all the accompanying gathering of information), he has a test that he is taking as I type that is worth 30% of the grade.  The professor is one that might require you to be able to quote specific word-for-word type things instead of ’show me how you would do this’ type questions.  Zach struggles with rote memorization, and excels in applying the concepts, so it really depends on how the test is done as to how he will perform.  Lets hope he just has to demonstrate applying the knowledge and not regurgitate a bunch of technical definitions.

My neighbor gal asked about the possibility of relactating, so I am going to do some research for her.  They are having some real problems with formula (he just can’t seem to keep anything down) and the next step in formula is $25 for a little bitty can.  They can’t afford that, but they make to much to qualify for help also.  A few weeks ago she mentioned casually that she sort of wishes she hadn’t given up on breastfeeding because he was having so many problems and I briefly said that you can relactate if you want to, but it would take some commitment.  Yesterday she asked me about it more concretely.  (I was actually pretty surprised she was considering it). So, now I am on an information hunt.  (Thank you for your suggestions Bianca)

Neighbors

To clarify from my post a few days ago…it wasn’t the fact she wasn’t breastfeeding in this particular situation, it is that the smell of formula is “one of those smells” that my stomach can not take this pregnancy.  I seem to have a number of them, but that is high on the list of making me throw up almost every single time I smell it.  Normally the smell of formula doesn’t bother me (not that it is lovely or anything) and therefore, I hardly notice if somebody is formula feeding vs. breastfeeding…usually doesn’t really hit my radar screen.

I am a bit frustrated that she isn’t breastfeeding, but it isn’t any of my business, so I have stayed out of it.  It was frustrating because she did every single thing you shouldn’t do if you want to breast feed.  I offered my help and recommendations every time she asked, but when it became obvious she didn’t really want to breastfeed, I didn’t want it to put a wedge in our friendship, so I backed off.

Her husband isn’t as much a jerk around us most of the time.  He isn’t my favorite person, but I can certainly deal with a casual evening with him.  On a good note, after talking for a while she realized that a lot of the problems they are having would get a lot better if he changed jobs.  He works as a mechanic in an un-air-conditioned shop, and is often asked to work overtime and odd hours, and asked to clean up after other mechanics because ‘they insist on leaving exactly on time’.  He is picking up the slack for some lazy co-workers and it is not helping his mood at all.  He has some back problems and severe ezema on his feet, which is no fun at all . He is also working unpredictable hours in a hot environment…all of these things would make a person less than pleasant to be around.  It would also make it harder to have the energy to spend time and help out with child care.  (not that he shouldn’t do it anyway, but that it is understandable)   He has the experience to be able to be much pickier about where he works.  He hates where he works, just hasn’t had the motivation to change it.  Until now. 

I spent some time helping her find a way to talk about it in a way that wouldn’t make him defensive and earlier that night is when she finally approached him.  Evidently, it was the first time they were able to discuss it without it turning into a big argument.  After the discussion, he took the initiative to start looking at the want ads online.  Earlier today she said he had finally written down his work history and I am going to help her form it into a resume.  (that was another obstacle that was stopping him).  He is looking at working for a dealership.  9-5, M-F in an air-conditioned environment.  Even if it is a cut in pay (which it probably isn’t), it will dramatically improve their quality of life as a family.

He isn’t a bad guy, and they do love each other, they just aren’t very nice to each other right now because both of them aren’t getting their needs met.  They are both pretty young too and don’t have the problem solving skills that you gain when you have been in a longer relationship and are a bit older.  They have the potential to be a great couple, so I am really glad to see them healing.  The dynamic needed to change or they were going to go down fast.

Some days I can’t believe we have become such good friends.  To them, we are the weird couple who are liberals, don’t spank, breastfeed a lot longer, cloth diaper, let their child get messy, are interested in weird/geeky things like Star Wars/Star Trek/Sci-Fi in general, read a lot, listen to about every form of music except country, own really ugly crappy cars, but have 3 computers in their living room.  They like football, Nascar, tools, country music, fast cars, spank, reprimand their kids a lot more, feed their kids totally different foods (kool-aid, chicken nuggets and fries are staples there), drive a big shiny brand new extended cab, extended bed red pick-up truck as their main vehicle, are as Republican as they come, bathe their kids 2-3 times a day, and keep their one computer in their bedroom.  We can find mutual intersts in movies (although their main genre is action flicks, which we watch, but is more of a second tier choice), world history discussions (he know a lot about wars especially), some computer games, and we can keep up some level of conversation about some sports and cars, and they can do the same on sci-fi and computers at times.  Our kids playing together dominates most of our time together, along with the chit-chat of normal life.  (bills, cleaning, messes, cooking…normal everyday stuff).  They became friends mostly out of proximity…they live 2 doors down from us, about 20-30 feet door to door, and let their kids play on the mutual front porch to get out of the house, just like we do.  Lots of time with chalk, tricycles, bubbles and the like. 

Our lives

Zach is putting in a resume for a great job, pretty much his dream job.  The position was posted a day or two ago and will close in a week from Monday, so hopefully we will hear something within the next few weeks.  It is very exciting.  The start date isn’t until after this semester is over, so he can adjust his next sememster to fit around this job if he gets it.  This looks very promising.

His classes are going well.  He dropped one class a few weeks ago and it really made a big difference for him.  It was just too much to take so many hours and teach a class.  He is still full time, but it is more reasonable now.  He spends so much time working on classes now I can see why he was getting overwhelmed before…there just were not enough hours in the day to get everything done.  He is pushing as it is. 

My folks stopped by for a short bit yesterday.  Zane happily showed him his train game and his constructon game on the computer.  Dad especially appreciated the bulldoser knockng down the buildings and Zane’s excitement and giggling over that.  We tried to show them the book he can help read, but he wanted to go back to the computer…lol.  He wasn’t comfortable reading to them just yet.  I guess he just needs some more practice time for that.  Mom made her “once a decade” brand new coat purchase.  I am going to take the hood to the yarn store and see if there is some pretty yarn to make her a scarf to match it.  It would certainly get good use considering how often she buys coats.  lol.

**for those of you on my protected list, there was a post before this one.  long and rambly about VBAC vs. c-section.

Doing some thinking about the birth. 

(*warning*  rather graphic at times)  Very long post written over several days.

Brief History

Before I get to labor, a quick history.  We started trying to conceive in 1995.  I was totally infertile for 2 years.  In 1997, I finally got pregnant.  Between 1997-2001 I went through 7 miscarriages, 1 was a blighted ovum at 14 weeks (missed miscarriage…should have miscarried nearly a month before, but my body didn’t do it so I had to have a D & C), the other 6 were of unknown reason and happened between 6 and 12 weeks.  Finally conceived Zane.  I was so sure I would miscarry him that when my insurance that would cover IVF kicked in, I called to find out how soon after a miscarriage I could start IVF treatments.  It wasn’t until the baby reached the age of possible viability that I started realizing that I might actually have a baby out of this. Hence, it was a very short pregnancy for me.  So, Zane was my 8th pregnancy, I lost my 9th pregnancy to another blighted ovum (except this one I was able to process without intervention), and am now pregnant with my 10th.  To sum up, my body has a history of not being able to handle pregnancy well.

Birth Story – the nitty gritty, not the ‘magic of childbirth’

With Zane, I went into labor naturally, labored for a day or two (not heavy labor, and light enough that I was in denial through much of it because I thought labor was supposed to hurt a lot more) before my water broke.  Once my water broke around 8-9am on the 26th, my contractions were much more intense, regular, and closer together.  I labored naturally for around 16-20 hours after I was in the hospital (this could be off…I have very little concept of time normally, even less so in labor…I am just guessing from some other landmarks).  At some point after I had no progress, they added pitocin, which made labor horrendously painful.  The baby never dropped into my pelvis.  I never got past 3 cm (and the drs. said it was only at a 2 after the nurse reported it at 3) and never moved down in station.  I used every technique I learned in birthing classes…changing positions, squatting, labor ball, relaxation techniques, breathing, walking, ect before consenting to epidural.  Nothing was working and the dr. wanted to see if an epidural would help me relax and show progress since I was hitting the time limit for  ”time since water breaking until I need to deliver”  (strep B positive, so I was laboring with an IV, which sucked.  I needed to deliver within 24 hours of my water breaking) I labored for while more with an epi, but then the baby started showing distress and I was getting near the 24 hour mark.  I had made zero progress with the epi.  I knew something was wrong.  Everything felt wrong.  I consented to a c-section. 

The second I consented to the operation, they slammed up the bars on the side of the gurney and RAN down the hall to the OR.  It was more intense than anything I had ever seen on tv, and I was a major ER (nbc show) & ER reality shows (TLC/DiscoveryTV) fan.  Anybody moving was moving fast, there was no casualness.  They pushed in the medicine hard enough I could feel it burn, and had me open within a minute or two of getting into the room.  They had a VERY difficult time getting him out.  I ended up with 2 people standing on the gurney and the drs. in charge standing on the ground trying to get him out.  They used forceps (or something like them) to finally get him out.  He wasn’t breathing.  His first apgar was 2 and my first glance of him was seeing him a gray/purple color and limp as they rushed him to the resuscitation table.  FINALLY they started getting him breathing and his heart beating.  Zach followed him to the nursery.  After he left, my blood pressure dropped into the teens and I was fighting desperately to hold on to consciousness.  I knew that if I ‘let go’ I wasn’t coming back again.  For the second time, the room was dead silent as they worked to stop the bleeding.  I was kept in recovery for a while because they couldn’t get me stable enough to leave for a while. 

The first days

I only remember maybe 10 minutes worth of glimpses from the entire hospital stay (Dec 26-31st).  I don’t remember the security alarms going off repeatedly and a bunch of people running into the room to make sure everything was ok.  (although my mom remembers)   I don’t remember seeing either his, or my doctors and only vaguely remember the nurses. (and that is mroe from pictures than anything).  I vaguely remember my best friend helping me nurse, and teaching Zach how to help.  (more realistically, she nursed him using my body…I had almost zero feeling and was too out of it to hold him independently.  thank goodness I had a friend that was as passionate about nursing as I was who stepped in to help make sure it happened in those early days.  It was a gift bigger than I could have ever appreciated at the time).  I remember being afraid, in pain, but my mom and Zach always being there with me which meant the world to me.  I don’t remember eating, but I remember mom telling me to keep drinking water. lol.  Even after I went home, I really don’t remember much of the first weeks at all. I remember living in the recliner in the living room, being helped up to go pee, having problems eating, my mom pushing the water so I would make milk (thank you mom), and having stacks of milk soaked nursing pads all over the place. I know that Zane lived in my lap, although I only remember glances of it.  

I am glad we took so many pictures, so I can see it.  It helped me teach my brain that this was my child, because I was having a difficult time bonding.  I was so sick.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I also had gall bladder problems that progressed to a life threatening emergency at 5 weeks postpartum.

I love my son.  I am glad he made it here safely.  I do not EVER want to go through that again.  Labor was horrible, painful, and non-productive.  My body did not do what it was supposed to do, what I trusted it to do.  I utterly failed.  My body failed me.  I almost lost my child.  It was traumatic in a way I can’t describe. 

General musings about my journey so far

So, my first birth did not go well.  I hadn’t yet discovered the “natural living community” with it’s support of normal births, but I had read “Birthing from Within” and “Birth without violence” amongst a large stack of books on natural birth.  I took classes also.  I was completely geared up for a natural birth and was hesitant to have any interventions.  I only consented to interventions after it was obvious my body wasn’t figuring this thing out very well.  I came out of the birth feeling like an utter failure.  It affected bonding and my self esteem.  I can look back and recognize that I should have been diagnosed with PPD well into his second year.  I still cry most of the times I think about his birth.  I am trying to heal, and it is getting better, but with the impending birth I am being forced to face those fears and anxieties.  Like labor, I think the only way out of this, is through it.  So, I need to talk about this and finish what should have been dealt with, emotionally, after the birth.  I should have acknowledged my feelings then, but they were just too big and scary at the time, so I will make the time now.

Some of the other things that make a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) seem unlikely 

1. my first birth is obviously something I do not want to repeat.  I think I am more afraid of attempting and failing again than I am of just surrendering to a c-section.  I think another failed vaginal birth would just break me utterly.
2. I was only a bit over 4lbs at my birth.  My pelvis is smaller than average and shaped so that it is very narrow, my uterus is angled oddly, although neither of these is as dramatic as some of the DSS defects, they aren’t normal either.  I have had multiple surgeries in my pelvis, from a bladder surgery when I was 4 (and had a bladder the size of a newborn…they couldn’t even catherise me because I was so tiny) to 3 or 4 endo surgeries which left me with a lot of scarring and adhesions.  I have also had to have nerves cut in my pelvis as a last resort pain reduction so I could live a normal life again (endo pain was so bad I was unable to walk for a week or two every month).  So, it is possible that I don’t have the ‘wiring’ to make everything work correctly anymore. 
3. Despite the fact I was only 4 lbs and a few ounces (3 maybe?), my birth would have ended in a c-section if it happened today.  My mom was in labor with me for a week.  (yes, a solid week.  my younger brother was 2 weeks).  Despite my small size, I was still a high forceps delivery (something that is avoided today) because my mom had problems getting me through her pelvis.  This does not bode well for me.  My paternal grandma did deliver several very large babies vaginally, but was left incontinent for the rest of her life because of it.  One of those big babies also died within a week or two of birth.   My dh was about the same size as Zane (maybe a few ounces bigger) and my MIL almost died during his delivery.  So, there is a family history of possible large babies (including some in the 13-15lb range) and very difficult/life threatening deliveries.  (I know my MILs labor has nothing to do with mine, but the baby size is relevant since it is dh, the father).  So, family history is not on my side.
4. Labors in my family are talked about in terms of days and weeks instead of minutes and hours.  I can not imagine even a midwife (which I am not sure are even legal in this state) would allow a labor to go on that long, and a Doctor certainly wouldn’t.  In theory, I could wait a lot longer before going to the hospital, but I am not sure I am in good enough shape to handle the stress of that long of a labor.  I am not exactly the picture of health here. 
5. I just read about a condition that really matches the symptoms of both my mom and I.  In some people, the lower uterus doesn’t stretch properly.  Some of the signs of this are showing early, carrying high, looking much more pregnant than you are (sound familiar mom?), and baby having a difficult time descending, (I was 4 lbs and a high forceps delivery, my ds never even came close to dropping in my pelvis).  It is a genetic thing.  I also have a good reason to suspect that we might share something like this…endo and a propensity for heavy scarring.  Scars don’t stretch well, and I know that even though I had endo everywhere in my abdominal area, it was very heavily concentrated on my lower uterus and cul-de-sac (lower pelvis, textbook placement if you spend a lot of time standing).  Women with this condition are often told they have a very small pelvis.  I fit every single thing there.  hmmm.  I should ask my dr. about this.

Some positives of a scheduled c-section

1. They can check on the status of my endo, adhesions, and scarring immediately following delivery since I am already opened up.  (I asked about this to confirm this was possible)
2. They would also be able to clean up the sloppy, rushed job and weird scaring from my first c-section.  At least it would be possible that they could make it feel a little less weird all the time. 
3. The surgery would be performed by somebody that has done several of my surgeries.  He is very skilled and stays up to date on surgical techniques, including dealing with scarring and adhesions.  He is also very attentive post-op and takes me at my word when I tell him something isn’t right.
4. Planning it would mean that I would know what to expect.  With a VBAC it would be up in the air until the baby came out, one way or another.  Planning it means I could deal with some of the emotional aspects before and maybe have some peace at the birth.  A failed VBAC would mean that I would be dealing with a whole bunch of really negative feelings immediately following birth AGAIN, while I am trying to heal. 
5. As much as I hate abdominal surgery, I am actually somewhat accustomed to recovering from it.  I have been through it about 7 times already.  With a scheduled c, at least I won’t have the exhaustion of laboring for a few days and then surgery.  Unless there is a complication, it really can’t be worse than that.  I was so flippin’ tired after the labor + surgery last time it was insane.
6. I guess I could get all mainstream and say “it would be more convenient to choose the birthdate” (or something along those lines), but I actually hate that aspect of it.  I feel weird deciding when a  person should come into the world.  It just seems wrong.  Besides, babies aren’t supposed to be convenient.  lol.  It is, however, easier for my parents because my mom could schedule time off (she works at my SIL’s store) and it would be less of a burden on my brother and SIL to cover the shifts since they will have some warning.  (small business, so one employee needing time off is an issue). 

And now the big conflict…the birth I really want

Dark room, meditative music, pool of warm water, Zach & I with a support person.  no meds, no interference from the outside, no talking.  Me inside my head.  The baby resting on my chest immediately following birth, cord attached until it stops pulsating.  wiping off the baby but not using soap immediately…just massaging in the amniotic fluid and wiping off the excess for the time being.  No eye goop, no shots, no blood tests for the first few hours at least.  (the shots, not for a long, long time…giving a newborn a hep B shot is just idiotic!)  lots of skin to skin contact.  Being able to walk around within a few hours after birth and a shorter recovery time would be such a blessing too.

Besides my rather romantic idea of what a birth should be like, there is that sense of connection to women since time began.  Being in labor and giving birth is something that never changes (if in it’s natural state) since humans have been here.  It is a universal connection that crosses time & culture.  It is described by so many women as an empowering and life-changing experience…and I want that. 

That is the birth I want, but my heart knows it won’t happen that way.  I have tried to psych myself into believing it could happen, but my heart knows.  I just don’t want to accept it.  A part of me feels like accepting it will be a failure.  I wish I could make myself trust my body to do this, but no amount of  trying to fool myself is going to work.  I know what I have to do, I just don’t want to.  I want the dream.  Even though I know it is better for the baby (sans complications of course), if I am really honest with myself, I realize that I want it for me more than the baby.  That is the part that makes me stop in my tracks and wonder what the hell am I thinking.  This is not the time to be selfish.  (not that a natural birth is selfish at ALL, it just would be for me in this set of circumstances)

So…

This is the 4th day I have worked on this post.  I have done a lot of thinking in that time.  When I started I was in tears thinking about a c-section.  Now I am more at peace with the idea.  Maybe it isn’t my path to have a natural birth, but to have a surgical birth and take control of that instead.  To take the situation and make it the most peaceful and empowering birth I am able to.  At least I need to open my mind to the possibility that a c-section birth can be as meaningful and beautiful as a normal birth. 

The night turned out ok in the end, but the babysitting part was rough.  She left a bottle of formula “just in case” (which was nice…she knew I had problems with formula and didn’t want me to have to make any if he got hungry again).  I could smell the formula sitting on my kitchen table.  (Zach assured me it was just my pregnant nose because he couldn’t smell it even when he lifted it up and put it to his nose).  So, I am smelling formula, then the baby spits up curds of formula, and in the same breath, Zane pooped.  I ran into the other room, but it was too late.  I barely made it into the bathroom in time to hit the toilet and empty my stomach.  Zach handled the puke and poop so that both were cleaned up by the time I got back from the bathroom.  (I married a great guy, I gotta tell ya)  Zach also handled feeding the baby when he got hungry later.  (across the room and facing away from me so I couldn’t smell it as bad and couldn’t see any spit up).  She came home just after he started the bottle.  Whew!

They invited us to join them at Hooters to split up an order of hot wings.  Amazingly, that sounded great to me.  (only a pregnant woman will get sick at formula, then want hot wings. lol)  The boys kept a good conversation going while nibbling on fries, and the grown-ups ate hot wings.  It was a fun evening.  We finished the evening by sitting out on the porch, watching our kids play around.  It ended up really nice.

The bonus part…we had put together the lasagna (sans crabmeat AND spinach, because Zach forgot both) but just put it in the fridge.  Tomorrow all we have to do to eat is dump a bag of salad, and put the lasagna in the oven.  Easy peasy and very yummy.  Yeah!