Taking the Scenic Route

A few hours after the previous post, Zach found out he was going to be unemployed again.

Although it isn’t good news, and the actual work he did was good and he enjoyed learning new systems and improving his skills, the work culture was terrible and we won’t miss the stress that caused.  Working with a bunch of (married) guys who talk endlessly about how much they are irritated by their families, who they want to sleep with given the opportunity, sports, slamming current and past employees, passing around old (often offensive) YouTube videos and internet “jokes” (and thinking they are new, PLUS, nobody else is allowed access to do this and they pride themselves on shutting down anybody who tries), and a workaholic manager who’s sole personality trait seemed to be “angry little man” (even with it wasn’t something to be angry about) it really isn’t much of a loss.  And really, why would IT guys complain about coworkers who aren’t computer savvy.  Isn’t that why they have jobs?  “Not a Good Fit” (official reason) is the understatement of the year.  There was no way he was going to “join in” in such negative conversations.  (and no, I am not mentioning the company’s name, so please don’t ask)

Plus, we get to spend more time together, which is always nice.  Our house will get cleaner, and we will be able to do more things, like using our membership to Exploration Place, etc.

He has been interviewing through much of his time there, and although nothing has come up yet, we are hopeful.  It is heartening to see a 10-fold improvement in the number of jobs out there compared to this last summer.  We expect to get unemployment, and we have the craptastic health insurance through the end of January (plus a medical flex spending account), so we will be doing lots of dr. appointments next week for the adults.  (Zane has insurance on his own, and we should be able to get it for Zora without a problem…before this job, it was just held up because I hadn’t sent in the birth certificate yet).

So, I am a little stressed, but have faith that it will work out for the better in the end.  It is just going to be a rough patch right now.

Zach refuses to take meds for anxiety, which sort of drive me crazy (ironic, isn’t it), but I understand and support him. After much discussion, we have decided we are going to make a concerted effort to exercise more, including Yoga & Tai Chi type things, and start practicing meditation.

By “coincidence” (I don’t believe in coincidence) there was a show on one of the science channels about a mummy found, that talked at length about Buddhist monks and their mediation practices (the mummy was a monk), and showed the scientific evaluation of how meditation helped control breathing, heart rate, etc. and how dramatically it could help. That sparked a search for a local place to meditate at, which lead me to the discovery of several places in town. However, all of them were strongly Buddhist (and I think one was Hindu) and we aren’t comfortable with that. We both appreciate Buddhist thought, but it is because there are a lot of parallels to Christianity that we find inspiring, but we aren’t Buddhist. We are Christian.

I have always thought of meditation as a form of prayer, and I don’t feel comfortable praying to anybody except God. There are a lot of calls to meditate in the bible (“Be still and know that I am God” is one that comes to mind first, and Jesus’ going off to a quiet place to pray at length is another). After some more searching, I found two websites that offered Christian meditation information/education. Christian Meditation and World Community for Christian Meditation. The latter appealed to me more, but the first one seemed a little more like “Christian Meditation for the Clueless”, which we are right now. I know you don’t need anything to meditate, but I thought the more guided meditation would be a good set of training wheels while we learn how to do this, how to quiet our thoughts better. I can do it in short bursts, but not for an extended period of time, at least not without my thought going all over the place. The closest I get is when I zone out during knitting. So, we got some of the mp3 downloads from the first site and are trying that. (some of the downloads are bordering on offensive to me, but most of them look good. I guess I will find out. lol)

I also found this cool Yoga-type video that I want. It is called “Yoga Prayer” and the following line in the description caught my attention: Ryan seamlessly harmonizes prayers like Psalm 84, the Peace Prayer of Saint Francis, and the Beatitudes with vitalizing yoga postures to create a uniquely powerful spiritual practice. (IMO, the Beatitudes are among the most important passage of the bible, and the Prayer of St Francis is one of my favorite writings ever). I had just gotten “Yoga for Inflexible People”, so I will do that for a while until I get a little more physically able to do the stretches (I can’t even touch my toes right now, so a lot of the stuff is just so far beyond me at this point there really isn’t any point until I get into better shape), but this is on my “list of things to get” when I am ready for it. I saw some other aerobics tapes “for Christians”, but many of them look too dorky for words, and this is coming from somebody who actually bought a Richard Simmons tape along with the Yoga..inflexible tape. lol.

But I am back. I don’t really know why I took such a long break (the 300 bot comments weren’t helping, but that seems to have stopped), but I know that I have stories spilling out again, including some dramatics around here the last week.

The biggest “news” in our personal lives is that Zach has been recovering from a heart catherization (sp?) the last week. (where they cut into your femoral artery and thread something up to your heart, shoot dye in, and look at how your heart is functioning). It was a very bad day, but first, I will tell you the outcome….Zach’s heart is fine. Great in fact. A “runner’s heart”.

It all started last Tuesday. Zach works in one of the only skyscrapers in Wichita, and the elevators went out. So, after lunch, he had to climb a bunch of floors in a stairwell that rarely sees any action. By the time he got to his floor, he was nauseous, dizzy, totally out of breath, and his arm was tingling. He isn’t in top notch shape, but he sure should have been able to handle that under normal circumstances. However, we think that it might have been the fact the stairwell isn’t well ventilated (in retrospect), combined with constant reminders from people that both of his parents had heart attacks and “you have to start taking care of yourself or you’re going to die of a heart attack”, combined with his dad dying last fall (and the million and one times he heard “if he had only gone to see a doctor when he started having symptoms) that made him super, hyper aware of how horrible he felt when he reached his floor. He started looking for some aspirin (we have it at home, but hadn’t thought to take some to work), but when he couldn’t find any, he decided to come home. I told him to go to the hospital instead if he was feeling like that, but he didn’t.

When he got home, I loaded everyone up and took him to the nearby heart hospital. They admitted him immediately, gave him nitro, and I called Robert’s wife (Robert was at work) and asked if she could watch the kids. Thankfully, she didn’t hesitate even a moment, and I took the kids to her house. My diaper bag, usually kept in the car, was in the house waiting to be restocked, so I only had the two emergency diapers in my purse to drop off. She was nice enough to make sure I knew that it was ok, and I went back to Zach.

They tried to do some other tests, but they required his heart rate to get below 60, and he couldn’t do it. He was also having a rough time getting his blood pressure down. He hates doctors and hospitals and was stressed just to be there. Because they weren’t able to get those tests, and because of his family history, they wanted to do a heart cath. Zach said it didn’t hurt at all, until they put the star closure on it (they had to push to clamp it/close it) and the recovery was a lot worse than anything that happened in the actual hospital. I held it together until I had to try and talk on the phone, as soon as I had to say anything, I would just start blubbering uncontrollably. I was actually ok until he was doing the actual procedure and then the reality of the possibilities started to hit me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to walk away a widow by the end of the night. I was scared. When he went in, I didn’t know if he would be cleared (what happened, but not expected), or if he was going to have some shunts put in (what we expected) or whether it was serious enough to have him in bypass surgery within the hour (possible, but unlikely given his age).

Thankfully, VERY thankfully, after the procedure and a few hours in recovery, we went home that evening, a little worse for the wear. The recovery has actually been the hardest part because he is really sore, largely from the bruising of putting the closure on (they used a fairly new closure system, called a Star Close or something like that). He is on lifting restrictions, for 5 days, 7 days, or 14 days, depending on which part of the paperwork you believe. lol. Five days felt really unrealistic, 7 days passed and he felt a lot better, but we will probably be pretty careful for the 14 days. However, after driving him to and from work every day to carry his 10-ish pound computer briefcase, he decided that he felt better enough to drive himself today and carry his own brief case the short distance. He also said this morning that he thought he would sleep with the rest of us tonight (down the stairs, which he hasn’t been doing either), so I think we are at the end of the “recovery” period.

I’ll finish this post right now, but I will continue it with some of the changes this has been a catalyst for in another post.

We barely had time to shower before Zach had to leave for the viewing and the babysitter came for the kids. Kirsten had a friend and babysitter that was finishing up a Special Ed degree and had a special interest in autism, and she was happy to help out. She was great. She couldn’t get there until after the family viewing was to begin, so Zach went ahead with one of his siblings, and I stayed behind getting Zane and myself ready and waited for her. The plan was to leave Zora with her, while I took Zane for long enough to see the body, and maybe a little longer if he wanted to, then bring him back to the hotel to play with Zora and the sitter, and I would return to the viewing to be with Zach.

I was still finishing up when she came, and helped get Zane dressed as I gave directions. I realized when I was giving directions that I never left the kids with anybody besides my mom, but I was too worn out and stressed to really let that thought settle much.

We went to the viewing. It was the first time I had seen a lot of the family. Zane did pretty well, under the circumstances. He was a little sensory seeking…leaning, pulling out to swing when we held his hand, but overall, did really well.

We slowly made our way to the front, and eventually, I had Zach take him up to see Papo, with me holding his other hand. We showed him Papo, and that he wasn’t breathing, and that he wasn’t moving, and that he felt cold and reitterated that it was because his body was broken, but his inside alive part was with Jesus in heaven and was happy. We stayed as long as he wanted to stay and just held him. When he started getting antsy, we asked if he wanted to go, and he did.

As we walked away from the casket, he started tearing up. We sat down in a pew with him and asked him “What is wrong?” (we weren’t sure if it was too high of level question, so we waited a bit for him to answer before rephrasing) He finally said “I sad” We asked “What makes you sad?” (“what” is easier for him than “why”). He mumbled “Grampapa-Papo”. We asked “Why does Papo make you sad?” He said “Papo is Dead”. He got it. What a bittersweet momment. It was important for him to understand, and I was relieved that he got it, but so overwhelmingly sad at the same time. We hugged him, and then asked if he wanted to go back to the hotel to play nintendo and the babysitter and Zora, or if he wanted to stay here with us. He wanted to stay, much to our amazement. Minutes later, he fell asleep. Almost passed out he fell asleep so hard. He was all twisted up like a pretzel and when I tried to untangle him, he twisted back up again, so we just left him on the bench to sleep and stayed within visual range of him the rest of the evening. He woke up, almost crying, three times, I stepped back over to him, hugged him and reassured him, and he passed back out again. He stayed that way until we got him up to leave.

As anybody who has ever met both Zach and his Dad knows, Zach looks astonishingly like his dad. We even heard Jennifer (the widow), comment, in reference to Jim’s body, that “Zach looks more like Jim than Jim does” and it was true. I don’t know what the deal was, but you really had to look to see Jim because the make-up or something was a bit off. You could see him, and you could kind of see his father (Zach’s grandpa) in him, but it really didn’t look like him as much as one would expect.

One result of the resemblance is that Zach had people coming up to him who didn’t know him, but instantly knew he was Jim’s son. A few of them didn’t realize he wasn’t the “doctor” (Zach’s younger brother, from the second marriage…we had to keep pointing out Hayden to them), and seemed a bit surprised that he had another, older son, but everybody from Jim’s office and those he had known a long time all knew who Zach was. (it seemed to be the church people who were more surprised). I do have to say, you know that you eat out a lot when you get waitresses and waiters come up to you saying what restaurant they had worked at when explaining how they knew Jim. That was sort of funny.

His workmates were amazing. They stood and talked to us for a long, long time, and pulled other workmates over to introduce each other to Zach. All of them knew who he was instantly, and quickly remembered even my name “the other Jennifer Z***” (Jim’s wife and I have the same name…which got sort of weird at times during the week because I kept hearing “my” name called all the time). It became very apparent that he talked about us at work a lot, and very little at the church. He spent a lot of time at work, so that felt really good. Heck, I even got baby gifts from his workmates, even though I had never met them at that time. They had many stories and fond memories they shared (including that they finally bought him his own clippers so he would quit stealing the cake knives from the drawers to go out and landscape the grounds around the building). It was clear that they were devastated by his passing. Truly. I think they knew him better than we did, and hearing about him through them was so comforting. He clearly had a family with his colleagues. They also put a wreath on the door and took pictures of his office, and the building (his dad was a partner, so his name was on the building) to give to us (and the other siblings). It meant a lot.

There was a LOT of family there, including Jennifer’s family whom we hadn’t seen in a long time (since Christmas 2002 for some, and the sibling’s weddings for the others). Sandy had brought a big batch of pictures of Jim from when they were kids, and Zach got to really look at them for a while. That was particularly neat for him.

Another thing that happened with some frequency, was people who came up to him, assuming he was Jim’s son, and then telling Zach how he had changed their lives. Including a woman he helped to leave an abusive marriage and start her life over, and a multitude of other people who’s lives he had changed for the better. He had counseled them and was a force of good in their lives. That was a side of his Dad we never really knew about and were particularly grateful to know about. Zach is the same way, and has always been very generous to those in need (often giving to the point of sacrifice to ourselves and our family), so to see that trait in his Dad really made me smile.

It is so weird to be at a funeral like that, where you are so happy to see some of the people whom you have connected with in the past but haven’t seen in ages, but to have to do it under such awful circumstances. It had me grinning and laughing in joy one minute, and choking back tears the next.

When the viewing was winding down, Zach talked to the mortuary director to thank him for all he had done. He told Zach that his Dad must have been something really special because he had never, in all of his years of doing this, seen so many people come to just a viewing. (with no memorial service). And it was really big, especially considering it wasn’t in a community like I grew up in. (in small towns, viewings and funerals are naturally much, much larger because everybody knows everybody and is affected by the death of somebody in the community)

The viewing, over all, was very healing. We learned so much about his dad and were so grateful for so many sharing their stories.

Near the end of the viewing, the line finally letting up, Jim’s sisters comforting Jen.

Although Zane had changed positions after one of his awakening, this is the view of him at the end of the viewing. We picked him up and went to talk to Jennifer for a bit, then went back to the hotel. I couldn’t believe he slept the several hours we were there. This really wiped him out.

We drove straight through and arrived at 3:30 or so, but didn’t get settled until 4:30-5am.  We got up at 8am and went down to breakfast and met up with Aunt Joyce &  her husband.  We are following them to the airport this afternoon to help pick up Sandy &  Bob, Wright, Mead, Cady and Lauren who are all, amazingly, arriving on the same flight.  About 2 hours after we pick them up is the family viewing, then we don’t know if we are going to the house, or hanging out with the family.

This morning Zach’s brother-in-law picked him up to go to the family meeting with the minister.

We finally got a person at Hertz that was willing to help find us a car before Thursday so we could get there on time. We leave Wed at noon, or earlier if they are able to get a van/car/whatever seats 4 people here sooner.

The visitation/viewing is on Thursday evening
The Burial is on Friday morning, a military burial
The Memorial Service is on Saturday morning at the church

The hotel is supposed to have free wifi, so I should be able to check messages and maybe post if I feel up to it.

If anybody wants a link to the funeral home obituary, leave a note. If I already know you, I will send you the link. If you know my mom, she has the link too.

Zach just received word that his dad died tonight. He had a massive heart attack. He just turned 63.

We don’t know anything more at this point.

eta: He had a heart attack while planting a tree. He loved landscaping, so, at least he was doing something he loved to do. He was alone, his wife (not Zach’s mom, btw) found him.

I have PCOS with Insulin Resistence. I start taking Metformin today. (After Zach gets home because I can’t pick it up with the car I have here). I am not sure which is worse, premature menopause or PCOS, but it isn’t like I have a choice in the matter. lol.

It does explain a lot of things though. I know it fits, I just wish it didn’t.

Three weeks ago the only medication I was on was vitamin pills. Now I have allergy meds, allergy inhaler and now this. *sigh* I feel old.

Not for Zane, but for me.  I am going through testing for PCOS and Insulin Resistence.  *sigh*  It would explain a number of things, from my extreme difficulty with losing weight (I swear, everytime I tell people how much I eat, they don’t believe me because I just don’t seem to take in the calories required to be the weight I am at), the depression that always seems to be just under the surface even during my happiest times, to the high number of miscarriages I have had.  It might also be why I seemed to have stopped lactating despite Zora still nursing. (that one makes me more sad than it should…I didn’t realize I wasn’t making milk any more, but suspected something was going on when I didn’t have engorgement during the vacation)

I am somewhat familiar with PCOS from my years on Infertility boards.  Everybody there seemed to have either Endometriosis or PCOS…looks like I might have had both and not realized it.  hmmm. 

Something is going on with me.  I hope I find answers.  Why does time pass so slowly when you are waiting for test results?

On a rather ironic note, my best friend was dx’ed with PCOS and anaovulatory years ago, and was diagnosed with Endo more recently. I have had Endo since I was 12 or 13, and might be getting a PCOS dx now.

In Kansas, it was 2am when we woke up and had breakfast in Germany, and 4 am when we pulled away from the hotel in the shuttle bus.  Our hearts ached to see the faces of our kids, and it was 9:30 at night before we rounded the corner and saw them standing there. 

The Frankfurt Airport has got to be the most stale, institutional airport we have been in.  Our trip here we went to the basement and wound through corridors, and didn’t see the outside until we exited the parking garage.  Up a floor it wasn’t much better.  Everything is shades of gray and white, with so many security and passport checks I lost count, and a huge maze of endless corridors to walk through.  For the first time ever we actually had to open up bags at one of the security checks…they wanted to see Zach’s shaving razor.  A little nerve wracking when I couldn’t find it right away and had to dig through our cram packed luggage. Even worse to try and close it again.  We finally made it to our gate an hour and a half after arriving from the hotel, very thankful we only had our carry on luggage to deal with through all of that.   We had another hour and a half to wait.  I knitted, Zach played games on the computer.  I was so glad when they started boarding.

The plane going back for the longest leg of our journey was a seat narrower than the one we flew up in, and without the personal touchscreen tv and information panel.  Boring old fashioned, narrow, crowded seats, but at least this time I had a window seat and Zach was next to me in an isle seat (a little more ability to stretch the legs and not jammed up against a stranger this time).

Accending

Most of Germany and most of the rest of Europe, actually, our view for 80-90% of the trip

The clouds break enough to get a peek at England

and a quick peek at Ireland as we go out over open ocean

Where the sky meets the sea

And after watching Horton Hears A Who, in German, on a little screen off in the distance,  I finally see land again.  I would guess it is Newfoundland, but since I couldn’t watch where were where specifically like I could on the way there, I can’t be sure.

We landed in Chicago O’Hare.  We thought a 2.5 hour layover was a long layover until we had to actually experience it.  We waited in enourmous lines for Customs, were sniffed by drug and agricultural dogs, and I was constantly distracted by a teen I presume was autistic and wished I was physically close enough to the mom to try and help them out as she was obviously struggling with a boy who was just done with the whole thing.  I felt bad that all I could offer where prayers she couldn’t hear.  I had noticed them earlier and could hear them about 20-30 rows behind us when the plane landed and he started crying.  I was glad to see no negative reaction from fellow passengers.  It was hard on me knowing I couldn’t really help, especially since I had heard them speaking exclusively in what I assume was an Indian language.  It further intensified my ache for my own kids.

After the long wait through customs, we found that we had very little time to get the hot dog from Gold Coast Dogs we had been dreaming about since we heard we were flying through Chicago, but we booked it there and back to our gate, arriving with a happy tummy and just in time to board the little plane that would take us home.

After about 19 hours in daylight, the sun finally goes out of sight for us.

Finally, we land.  We walk across the tarmac and once again lug our suitcases up the stairs, and start the longest walk of the trip, the last few hundred feet to see my babies again.

When we came around the corner, Zach spotted them first (height has it’s advantages.  lol).  Zora had her arms out reaching for us, and Zane was clapping in joy.  The grown-ups were all a bit teary.    Mom and Dad took our luggage and we held on to the kids as we went out to the car, hugged good-bye to them, and drove home.  (through a drive in for some burgers because there was no way we were making ourselves supper.  lol)

The kids had the signs up for us when we walked in:

We made it. 
Home Sweet Home.