Taking the Scenic Route

A nice, quiet evening over here.  Zane & Zach  played a construction type game on the computer for a while, then they worked together to build a great train track.  Zane is now happily playing with his trains.  Zach is getting ready to make a run to the grocery store to pick up a few items to make our 6 cheese crabmeat lasagna.  We are going to throw some spinach in it this time, which should be really good. 

I just watched “Dancing with the Stars, dance off” and am just so happy for John.  He should have won the first time!  He has such a neat personality and just dreamy as anything.  Such a personality! 

I just got a phone call from my neighbor while I was typing.  Small interruption to my evening.  She is wondering if I can watch her 3 month old while she, her dh and her 17mo go to pick up a bed frame.  I love kids, but this one is constantly puking up formula and it just makes me sort of ill.  I really don’t understand why they can’t take both kids, but oh well.   I am not good at saying ‘no’ and it shouldn’t take them too long.  (I hope).  Gosh, I hope she feeds him before they leave.  I don’t have any desire to deal with the stanky smelling formula.  How somebody could purposely choose to formula feed over breast feed is beyond me.  Ok…I will stop bitching now. *sigh*

A short while ago I posted the “Being Poor” writing.  A few days later the same piece was posted at MDC.  It turned into a long thread, that eventually got pulled because somebody started posting a bunch of mean-spirited crap on the thread.  After reading the thread (before it was pulled) I felt like the subject garnered further discussion, so here are some more of my thoughts on the subject.

One of the things that frustrated me was that a person on the list kept insisting that being poor was totally a choice and if a person wanted to rise out of poverty, they could.  I found this thought process to be very short sighted.  When I posted about my experiences, I got a response that I was not one of the people that they were talking about.  (since we were using what assistance we got as a safety net while we were actively working to pull out of the situation.)  Normally, that kind of statement makes me feel less crappy about the situation, but this time, after reading the other comments by this person, I felt like they didn’t really understand a lot of people who were living in the cycle of poverty. 

Yes, in an ideal world, the only people that would get assistance would be people in similar situations to us.  People with the ability to use it wisely while working to make a future where we can be the ones who are putting more into the system than taking out again.  I honestly believe that is the majority of people on assistance.  However, there will always be people on assistance with very little ability or knowledge to get out of the situation.  We had some things against us, which makes me appreciate how difficult it can be for people who can not get past similar or more difficult situations.  We also had some things going for us that many, many people don’t.  I am going to use my experience to illustrate my point.

Things that affect your ability to get off of assistance:

• Physical pain.  I used to have severe pain from Endometriosis.  It was very hard to work (heck, walk) through the pain at times.  It is also very difficult mentally because it can cause rather dramatic mood swings, and coupled with infertility, can make dealing with people very difficult at times.  I was fortunate.  I was able to get treatment and I had my parents to help both with emotional and financial support when I needed it.  I also had a dr. who was very generous with the samples and there were times when I didn’t have to pay a dime for rather expensive (to me) Rx drugs because of his kindness.  I do not take my physical health for granted.   I understand that many people face more serious, and more permanent physically devestating illnesses with no hope of getting away from the pain.  I can only imagine the level of stress and hopelessness that would come with that.  Disability is devastating.  A lot of people on disability have good days and bad days.  Just because they have good days does not mean they are ‘using the system’.  Employers are not going to tolerate the ‘bad days’ no matter how good of an employee you are because it makes you fairly unreliable.  They can’t hold down jobs, especially good jobs with good benefits.  (employers also shy away from people with disabilities, even though they are not supposed to, because it may affect their insurance rates.  It might not be legal, but you better believe it exists.  I was in a position to hire people but had to go to my manager for final approval.  It was never spoken, but made quite clear that I was to take the less qualified candidate when a more qualified one had obvious disability.  I was horrified, but in no position to change the system at the time because I was a fairly new manager and, unbeknownst to them, newly pregnant) 

Physical pain, again, this time with my husband.  He has dental problems.  It causes him a great deal of pain at times.  It makes it hard to concentrate at times.  It also affects his ability to have confidence at interviews, when first impressions are so important.  He always feels like people are going to see his teeth and be turned off by him.  Fortunately, in his field (computer science) physical appearance is not as much of an issue as it is in many fields.  The problem is when the interviews are with business types who are interviewing for tech positions, don’t really understand the job they are hiring for, and use their industries standards to make a decision (which includes how you look).  That is why he is finding much more success in academia at this point.  People there are much more interested in how your brain works than how you dress or look (which is obvious if you have ever looked at computer science and math profs at most universities … the stereotypes do come from someplace after all.  lol).  What they are looking for in first impressions is much different than other people too.

Physical Issues 

• Physical Pain.  Anybody who has dealt with long term physical pain, chronic or curable, should have some understanding of how this affects your ability to work.  If it hurts to breathe, it is going to be really hard to maintain concentration, be able to respond appropriately to frustration, deal with physical demands of even small tasks, and be a pleasant person to be around.  Now, make that pain chronic, with very few or no options for pain control.  Think of how depressing that would be.  If you can take pain medication, it is likely it has some nasty side effects that just add different obstacles to your ability to function.  There are people who are on disability who have ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’.  If you only see them on the good days, you are going to have a very skewed perception of their lives.  (hence the nasty comments about how they might be ‘abusing the system’)  No matter how many laws we put in place, employers are still going to find ways to fire people who can’t perform the duties on some days, even if they are normally stellar employees.  It doesn’t really matter if there are doctor’s notes and reasonable explanations, you won’t be considered ‘reliable’ and they will find something to fire you for (or get you to quit so they don’t have to pay unemployment out).  It is not fair.  It is human nature though.  
• First Impressions.  This has a huge, huge impact on your ability to get a job in the first place.  In order to make a good first impression, there are some basic needs that have to be met that many people can’t. 
• You have to have nice clothes that fit well.  Requires:  owning or being able to borrow clothes that are appropriate (including undergarments, hose with no runs that show, and shoes, and shoe polish if necessary), being able to launder, press, or dry clean clothes (electricity, access to laundromat, money for soap/fabric softener, access to iron/starch, surface to iron on), not having weight fluctuations since the last time you wore the clothes, no holes, stains rips or tears…and well hidden repair work (either new items or ability to sew, money for thread, needles, buttons, ect),   and, finally, understanding what is appropriate in the first place.
• Nice appearance beyond clothes.  You have to smell nice (requires access to running water, shampoo, soap, deodorant, and maybe perfume/cologne in small amounts).  Hair has to be neat (money for hair cut, or somebody with some talent at cutting hair who will do if for free, and depending on your hair, you might need gel/mouse/conditioner or clips/pins/barrettes and maybe a dye job or touch up work…all cost money).   Fresh breath is also important, so you will need toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, and maybe some mints.  (of course, you also need to have decent dental/oral health or none of these things really matter much) You also might need to have a razor (that doesn’t shred your skin), shaving cream, make-up (and knowledge of how to use it correctly) and possibly tweezers/itty bitty scissors.  Basic grooming is actually very expensive, even when you only get generic and only the basics.   
• Other less changeable issues.  Some issues can be hidden effectively during interviews, but some cannot.  Hair loss/bad hair, bad teeth, bad skin, and weight issues can all make it very hard to deal with interview situations.  You go into the interview feeling like you already have a strike against you and it is hard to be confident and relaxed when you feel like there is a neon sign highlighting the things you wish you could be different.  It is hard to smile when you hate your teeth, it is hard to pull your hair out of your face when you feel like hiding your recent breakout on your cheeks, it is hard to feel beautiful when your clothes are tugging at you or falling off your body.  It is also hard to concentrate when you are trying to hide that run in your hose or walk (I have had walking interviews) in shoes that don’t fit well.  In general, you are able to deal with all of these issues when you have money, and are going to have a much harder road if you have no money.  This doesn’t even take into account any obvious disability. 
• Resume/application:  requires literacy and readable, if not neat, handwriting.  You also have to have a phone number and address.  (for some service, min. wage jobs this isn’t as much of an issue, but try getting anything with benefits and decent pay without those things).  People do pay attention to where you live in town too…a nice address will get you in a lot sooner than a part of town that is known for being ‘poor’.  Have to have references, better if they are in the company you are applying for, good if they are in the same industry, and the longer you have known them the better.  This requires connections, even if it just knowing the mailboy, to even get a shot at an interview sometimes.   For better jobs, you have to have a good resume.  This is something that people pay money to have somebody do in many cases, and difficult to do well when you are on the outside looking in.  Trends change so quickly that it is very difficult to keep up.  In many industries, they require a hard copy (which means getting them professionally printed on nice paper, again a financial issue) and an electronic copy (requires knowledge of both layout and tech aspects, and access to the technology in the first place). 
• Transportation.  You have to be able to get to the interview, as well as the job.  Depending on where you live, this requires access to public transportation, or a working car.  Having a car means you have to pay for gas, insurance, and keep it in good enough repair you won’t get pulled over and you are able to get to work on time on a regular basis.  If you job requires driving, it might have to look decent too. You also have to be able to obtain a liscence, which requires knowlege & the ability to pass a written and driving test, no restricting convictions, up-to-date proof of insurance and tags, and a car that can pass inspection. 

On a basic level, you have to have money to make money.  You have to be able to cover these basic needs to get or maintain even a minimum wage job.  Some places also require you to maintain a particular dress code/wardrobe, which cuts into your paycheck.  My parents have had to help us with clothes/transportaion/hygene items just to get through the interview and first weeks (before your paycheck) so we could even GET to the paycheck.  A lot of people don’t have that kind of support. 

Social Issues

These are much harder to overcome because they are not as visable.

• Mental stability.  Whether through genetics or circumstance, some people really struggle with issues that make it difficult to maintain a job.  You have to have a certain level of mental health to be able to deal with frustrations, setbacks, interpersonal relationships, and pay attention to what you are doing and your environment.  It could be as simple as the person never being taught coping skills, a person that is very intellegent being bored out of their mind, or as complicated as ADD, depression, or schitzophrenia.  Some people are also infinatly more sensitive to various work environments…too hot, too cold, too noisy, too bright.  That propensity is finally being recognized by modern medicine (sensory disorders), but many people think they are being unreasonable, and for those who aren’t dealing with the severe end (where they would qualify for disablity) they are fighting just to keep from losing it in many work environments.
• Social Support.  This is probably the biggest factor that goes unrecognized by those who are not in the midst of it.  Social support includes things like:
• Growing up around people that value education.  Since education is generally the most accessable way out of poverty, if you grow up around people that encourage education and instill a desire to learn you are going to have a much easier transition into educational programs.
• Growing up around people that have time for you and value you as a person.  It is hard to learn to value yourself when you grow up feeling unvalued.  This is the biggest challenge facing single parents who are working several jobs just to try to keep afloat.  The little time they have with their kids, they are often tired and it is very difficult to parent well when you are exhausted and overworked, even under the best of circumstances.  This is why we need to support single parents.  They need support, both physical and emotional, so there is something left for their kids.  Without that, they are very vunerable to generational poverty.   It is also nearly impossible to find a way out when you are so tired and overwhelmed you can’t see tomorrow, much less the long distance future.  If you can’t do that, you can’t make effective plans to pull yourself out.  As a community, we need to reach out to these kids, we need to keep funding for after school programs, we need to make sure the kids around us feel valued.  I am going to sound like a complete and utter liberal here, but I think the best thing we could do for our future is to make sure all children have at least one parent that can stay home with them full time, at least until school age.  If they are single parent households, that means totally supporting the family until the kids have the option of school.  I also think there should be a large tax break/credit for stay-at-home parents.  I beleive that, overall, the value of having an attentive parent at home with the children pays off in the future with lower rates of deliquency, better self-esteem, and a more promising future for the next generation.  It is not a perfect solution, but I have faith that most people would rise to the challenge of parenting as vocation.  (Notice I said ‘parent’ though this, not “mom”.  I sincerely believe that this is not a gender issue, but a family one)
• Knowing that success is possible.  This might sound trite, but you have to be able to visualize yourself as successful before you can even begin to work towards that.  You must have the ability to move the dreams of your future into concrete goals with a plan to get there.  Even one person in your life that believes in your ability to make it happen can mean all the difference. 

Zane had his first dance class today!  I am happy to report it went very well.    The first part of the class was tap.  It was the second class of the session for most of the kids (and evidently there is a class before this one that is available for younger kids that I didn’t know about, so for a lot of the kids it was the second or third year).  He didn’t get all the moves, but she went pretty fast.  He did stand in line like he was supposed to and tried to imitate the moves when he could.  He did happily stomp his feet when he wasn’t getting the moves, but so did most of the kids.  lol. 

The ballet part was mercifully shorter.  He didn’t have his shoes yet since we had to order them, so he went barefoot.  (the teacher did say to make sure to get him black shoes, which was funny after my experience with the front desk.  I did tell her that the brocure says ”pink for all” and the desk didn’t know that boys wear black shoes, she was surprised and said she would make sure to tell them to change that because it wasn’t right.)   I think the lack of slippers bothered him.  He kept wanting me to put his tap shoes on again when everybody was changing shoes.  During this part of the class I had to stay right by him to keep him from wandering off about 30% of the time, but still a big improvement from the last group of classes.  During that section, I was more focused on keeping him in the same relative area and wasn’t able to see his feet as well (trying to keep my balance while squatting down…my center of gravity has really shifted from normal these days).  Zach, watching from outside, said he could tell he was trying to imitate the first and second position. 

The teacher was completely ok with me being in the room with him (this isn’t considered a parent participation class) and I think she wished some of the other parents had stayed too (Zane wasn’t the only wanderer, and there were a couple of girls who kept trying to lay down in between each little section).  Zane did seem to enjoy it.  I am glad I could be in the class so I know the language the teacher used so I can work with him this week on some of the basics.  I never took ballet or tap, and even though I sort of know the positions for ballet, I know nothing about tap.  My brain was working really hard today to try and learn the basics so I can help him at least a little bit during the week so he is a little more prepared for next week.  

He is the only boy in this class.  Not a bad thing, but he did seem to be a novelty to some of the girls there (and parents for that matter)  One girl kept telling her mom ‘he wants to marry me” every time he got within 5 feet of her.   Mom kept having to say “no, he is just trying to be your friend”.  hee hee. 

Remember all the diaper fetish posts I had a while back?  Well, a parent has now been arrested and Brian Cobb, the exact guy / site that I was dealing with, is also under arrest.  The story is here.

Some of my posts that talk about it:  June 30, July 1 , July 2.

Dance with me

We renewed our YMCA membership for the next 6 months.  Killed my yarn and baby do-dads budget, but it was more important.  (We use our membership a LOT) I have a friend who is giving me some infant prefolds in exchange for some money they owe us.  She is also giving us their old baby clothes (girl clothes), so I will be set for those early months I think.  I got a Brest friend nursing pillow on MDC trading post for half the price it would cost in the store.  I can’t wait to get it!  I also got a Hannah Anderson bunting for the baby on MDC.  Zane’s bunting was used and the zipper broke the second time we used it, so I was hoping to find a replacement since this will be another winter baby.  I scored a serious deal too.  It was $20 postage paid.  Here is a picture of it on the website. (we got pink).  I adore Hannah Anderson and can’t afford it, so I was really excited.

Zane is all set for his dance class too.  Almost set…they had to order his ballet shoes, but they will be here in a week, so he might go to his first class in socks only, but it should be ok.  We were able to get him some tap shoes though.  We just got back from target for the white t-shirt (undershirts) and white socks, neither of which he had. 

I love the place we went to (Dancer’s Nook on Douglass).  I have no idea how to fit dance shoes properly, and I don’t want him hating dance because his shoes hurt or him getting hurt because of a bad fit.  (I spent a lot of years with repeated sprained ankles because I didn’t know how to properly fit my shoes for my step…I went through more athletic tape as a cheerleader than my brother did as a basketball player. lol) The woman was so down to earth and nice.  She treated Zane so well.  Her son was there too and the two boys hit it off.  She said something that her son didn’t talk yet and it clicked..that’s what was so different, she was communicating with him in a way that didn’t make him feel uncomfortable and just let him ‘be’.  By the time we were getting ready to leave, Zane was actually starting to be a bit more vocal.  It was pretty neat.

In the YMCA brochure, it states that all the kids were supposed to wear pink ballet shoes.  I thought that was a little weird to have the boys in pink shoes too and asked about it when I registered for the class.  The gal at the desk said she had never been asked that question before.  When I went to the store and told the lady what the brochure said she said ‘no way’  Boys wear BLACK shoes (or white for some performances) and NEVER wear pink shoes.  lol.   She said that if I was given any guff at all for it, to have them call every studio in town, because that is the standard in dance.  After feeling really smart for knowing that, I felt really glad I came to a dance store to have them fit tap shoes.  I didn’t realize that boys tap shoes looked so different than the patent leather/bow ones for girls.  I just thought they were without the bow.  If I had tried to get him shoes at Target/Walmart/Payless, I would have just gotten those shoes and taken off the bow.  I would have looked like an idiot.  At least I am smart enough to know I am not smart enough to know.  lol

She gave me a 10% discount because I gave her a diaper too.  (her son pooped and her dh forgot to leave the diaper bag).  That was a pretty good deal just for doing a normal nice thing.  I was surprised and pleased.

I am, however, in trouble.  It is just a short bit away from my favorite yarn store.  I have to go back this week to pick up the shoes.  I am thinking about taking Zane’s jacket with me to get some matching yarn for hat and mittens this winter.  I can not afford that though. lol.  Maybe there will be something in the bargin bin.  hmmm.

To answer a question from the previous post:  Why did I have the quad screen done?  I know it isn’t definitive, but I wanted some warning if there was a problem so I could start preparations for it a bit earlier.  It is also a relatively non-invasive procedure.  They take my blood…I hate having my blood drawn, but I am used to having my blood drawn so I can cope with it pretty well.  I refused the amnio, saying I would only reconsider if there was a strong indication on the blood and ultrasound because that was more invasive than I was comfortable with and carried a risk of miscarriage. 

I was originally going to refuse all the tests because I assumed they were mostly for determining whether or not to terminate the pregnancy, something that isn’t really an option for us.  (I won’t say never because it is like asking to be put in a position where you do have to seriously consider it…no chance of survival/severe pain, ect)  Then I talked to another parent who had the test come up positive for Downs.  Because of this, her pregnancy was more monitored via ultrasound to check on the heart development (there were some problems).  As a result, they caught something that likely would have been missed if she had not been monitored, was fixable, and improved her daughter’s quality of life.  That made it worth a blood draw to me.

OB Appointment

Good Day!  All my tests came back looking good.  Still don’t know the sex, and probably won’t unless there are complications, and that is something that I will never wish for.  I had a quad screen (checks for open spinal defects, downs, trisomy 18, … and something else…insulin dependent diabetes maybe?) and 2 of the things came up as ‘investigational’, but due more to my age than a strong indication on the tests, the other two came back as a pretty low risk.  The tests aren’t perfect, but everything looks good at this point.  The ultrasound results weren’t great (as in, they couldn’t get good pictures of most of the stuff), but they saw a 4 chamber heart and the blood was flowing the correct direction.

My placenta is attached to the anterior wall of my uterus (near the front) and not over my cervix (placenta prevaria (sp?))   After a long discussion of my specific medical history (he’d been doing some serious reading. lol.  My file is several inches thick) and my first birth experience, he would recommend a c-section, but willing to send me to one of his partners up in Wesley (the big hospital in Wichita) if I want to attempt a VBAC.  (The hospital he delivers at doesn’t allow them)  My chance of a successful VBAC are really awful.  I am about the worse candidate possible, although he said that uterine rupture (although a risk) was not even a real concern for him, it was a combination of a lot of other things, and each of them would make most Drs uncomfortable with a VBAC, although he knew somebody who would be willing to take me on despite my high risk. 

So, now I have to decide.  Honestly, in a weird way, the fact he is not trying to push me into a c-section, or using scare tactics to persuade me makes me feel more comfortable with a c-section.  He went over, very carefully, what concerned him about a VBAC, but his attitude was one of “you have to decide what you want.  This isn’t a decision I can make for you”.  I felt empowered and like I wasn’t such a cog in the machine any more.

I was also cleared for beginning to workout again.  (just need to take it very easy and not push).  He wants me to start with the treadmill before I start picking up the weights again, but agreed that it would probably help with my depression. 

Zane was acting more like himself today.  Still snuggly, but energetic too.  Maybe we will get to keep the snuggly for a while.  I like it, as long as it is because he is feeling affectionate and not because he is feeling rotten.

Zane doesn’t have a fever, but he sure isn’t acting like himself.  He is much more snuggly than normal.  He isn’t in a bad mood, just seems to prefer snuggling to running around and it is very odd.  I don’t think he feels very well.  I wish I could do something to make him feel better. 

I did finally get the pumpkin leaf figured out.  I hope to take some pictures in the next day or two.  (need daylight to get a good picture with my camera).  I am going to see if anybody is interested in trading it for some diapers or other ISO items once I get it completed.  I guess we will see.

Got our paperwork back from the YMCA.  We aren’t getting as much of a scholarship this time around.  We went from paying $60/year to $179/year.  Ugh.  It is really important to us, but dang that is a lot of money for us.  I wish I knew why we weren’t getting the same scholarship amount, but I am not going to complain.  It is still a good price, just a bit of a blow to our budget.  I still want to get Zane into the dance class, but it started this week.  There is a class that meets Saturday, and they haven’t had their first day yet, but I really am hesitating to get him in a Saturday class that lasts for 9 months.  I am also not sure he is going to feel well enough by then anyway.  We still have to get him shoes and such too.  At least boys don’t need leotards and tights and I can just pull out some shorts and t-shirts, so that will help.

I am so very tired.  This week has been rougher than normal and I am not getting as good of sleep on top of it.  Hopefully Zane will be wanting to go to bed pretty soon here.  I suspect it won’t be a problem though, he doesn’t seem to be a ball of energy anyway.

I forgot to say, Zane is doing better.  It was so hard watching him struggle with the fever, but I am glad we let the fever do it’s job.  I have a feeling we would have been in for a much longer haul if we would have been suppressing his immune response with tylenol the whole time.  (the kids he apparently got this from were sick for 10 days)  We did give it when his fever got to 103.5, because we were getting to that ‘considering the ER’ range, and so it was appropriate to keep it from getting out of control.  Now he is better.  If he still has a fever, it is low. (he goes absolutely ballistic when we try to take his temp, so we only do when it is getting really high) He is much more himself again, although not 100% yet.  It will be another few days before I will go out & about again.  Give him a chance to get his body strong again.

I just returned from the ER with my neighbor gal.  She is sort of OK.  Has to go to the dr. tomorrow, but they released her from the ER with a heavy dose of pain meds.  Her abdomen went from flat to looking 3-4 months pregnant in the course of the afternoon from swelling (or something) and she was bleeding pretty heavily.  I am so frustrated for her.  It seems like nobody is taking her pain seriously.

For a while I thought I was going to have kick her dh’s butt.  He came home from work.  I had been over at her apartment helping her a bit because she was in so much pain she couldn’t get her small infant out of his swing.  When her dh came home, his initial reaction to “we need to go to the ER” was that he was too tired and couldn’t she just wait until tomorrow.  I can not even comprehend being married to somebody that would have that reaction to the situation.  So, I said I would take her.  I went to my apartment to change into something clean.  In that time, I guess he decided that staying home and watching the kids would be harder than taking her to the ER, so he had HER call and find somebody to watch the kids.  Her mom was ‘too busy’ (another jaw-dropper for me.  I know that I could even call my in-laws, even when we weren’t getting along, and they would have dropped everything to help us in an emergency like that…crap-on-a-stick!  No wonder she puts up with that kind of attitude from her dh, she is used to it). 

So, they go to the ER.  His dad watched the kids.  They weren’t gone more than an hour or so and he called to see if I could go over there because “his dad needed to get home”.  I went over there, his dad was happily feeding the youngest.  I asked if he needed me to finish that for him.  His dad was like “no problem, I am not in a hurry”.  huh?  Within a few minutes, her dh walks in saying he was tired and wanted to know if I can go sit with her at the hospital since she doesn’t want to be alone.  I am happy to have a reason to leave, frankly.

I went to the hospital and sat with her.  He didn’t leave her with any money, so I got her some fast food on the way home (she hadn’t eaten since noon) because otherwise she was going to have to make something for herself when she got home.  (because poop-for-brains can’t manage to make a sandwich or put something in the microwave…I have seen it)  We just got home. 

Zach, who was talking to Robert when much of this happened, was so ticked at Brian.  Heck, Robert thought he was being a jerk and hadn’t even heard all the story yet.  When Dori heard, she immediately offered to come and help watch the kids so he could go to the hospital (before she heard the whole story).  Why is it even our friends, who don’t even know them, are quick to step up and help out, but her dh only did it under pressure.  (and still had her making the child care arrangements)

Want to know the kicker?  When I walked into the ER room, she was on the phone, with her dh, who called her because he was having ‘problems’ with the kids.  wuh.