Taking the Scenic Route

Today, Zora was going with us and Zane was being dropped off at the church. If you are in San Antonio, the Community Bible Church has a great Special Needs ministry, and they are the ones who watched Zane during the burial. The next day, when we pulled into the parking lot for the Memorial, Zane happily asked from the back seat if he was going “back to the school?”. A sure sign of approval.  I am not a conservative, by any stretch of the imagination, but the church seemed like a great church if that is your style of worship.  We were there a few years ago, and the growth is astonishing.  I heard someplace that they are now the 17th largest church in the nation.

At the hotel, ready to go

Anyway, we dropped Zane off at the church and took Zora with us to the burial.  Kirsten’s (Zach’s step-sister) in-laws volunteered to watch over Zora and Rocco during the service.  The other kids were all either attending, or still in school. 

I have never been to a military burial, so it was a new experience.  I have also never been a person in the “sitting” area before.  I hope it is a long, long time before I “get” to have that experience again. 

They started with three gunshots, one for service, one for honor, and one for something else….I can’t remember what right now.  One thing, without a doubt, even though you are expecting it, it is very startling.  It very effectively jumpstarts the tears.  Then they followed with a beautiful playing of Taps. 

When they folded the flag, I couldn’t help but think of all of the wives/mothers/fathers/husbands that have watched the same thing for their loved one.  Including my natural grandfather.  And when they knelt down in front of Jennifer, and told her the flag was from the president in appreciation of her sacrifice, I was choking back tears, not only for Jim, but knowing my grandmother stood there as a new widow with a preschooler and infant, and was told the same words.  The feeling of it all being greater than this one death was overwhelming.  I will never be able to watch a military burial on TV the same way.  The solomn and magestic ritual of it all was so powerful.

The service was ended with a short message, then a hymn (I can’t recall which one it was off the top of my head, but it was familiar enough for me to get most of the verses without benefit of the lyrics, which I somehow missed when they were handing them out).  The service was concluded with a beautiful doxology, lead by Jennifer’s extended family.  (a very musical family, blessed with beautiful voices)

After the service one of Zach’s cousins told him that they often let family members keep the shells spent during the gun salute, so Zach went over and gathered some for himself and his siblings and gave it to them.

It was hard, but as Zach said, it was harder the night before.  I initially asked him if was harder because he had to talk to people, and he said that it was harder because it was the last time he would ever see his father’s face, and his father’s hands.  It was harder because that is when he said good-bye to him.  I agree.  It was sad, and final, but the night before was harder for me too.  Looking around that day, I think the same was true for a lot of people.

The feeling standing there, after the service, was so odd.  It was a beautiful sunny day and the kids were playing and laughing amongst the gravestones and along the road near the pavilion.  Such a contrast to see them with the coffin off in the background and the adults gathered into little groups, all in dark clothes.  For Zora, it was the first time she was around kids in days, and met some of her cousins.  (she met the other cousins at the estate later, when they got out of school).

There were a few people with cameras there.  Me taking a picture of Lauren taking a picture of Mead taking a picture of Wright (I think)  I know there was at least one other photographer and now I am wondering if she was standing behind me.

And a group picture.  This is Jim’s sisters and their husbands, and all of the cousins (in Zach’s generation) except Jim’s girls. (Kirsten & Amanda)   In the front, from the left:  Cady, Mead, Sandy, and Joyce.  In the back:  Wright, Bob, Zach, Dan, Lauren, and Hayden

We were able to be there precicely an hour, and then they started kicking us out.  We went to pick up Zane, who was not totally convinced he should have to leave, and went out to Jennifer’s brother’s estate for the family meal and social time.

It was Monday night, 8:30pm or so.  It was the “witching hour” where we are trying to round everybody up for bed, just a bit on the late side that night and the kids were that overtired crazy they get when they need to go to bed.  I picked up the phone, and a business-like voice asked for Zach.  I assumed it was his work because they were starting the move from the old facility to the brand new (in fact, not totally finished…some areas are still “hard hat only” areas) and Zach is the go-to guy for computer stuff, especially oddball problems.  Zach quickly went downstairs, away from the melee, to have his conversation, but that just “confirmed” my thought that it was work.  I will never forget the look on his face as he walked the last few steps up the stairs back into the living room a few minutes later.  I sit here with tears rolling down my face remembering it.  He stuttered out that it was Hayden and Dad was dead, and was choking back tears.  That is when the world started spinning. 

After holding each other for a while, I told him to call his mom and let her know.  (his Dad and his wife celebrated 30 years, so the divorce happened shortly before their marriage).  For the next few days, we were almost always on at least one phone, but often two phones and the other one would start ringing.  We have prepaid cell phones that had barely been used up until this week, but we had to keep adding money to keep them going over and over again because they were seeing such heavy use.  

Zach didn’t really start crying hard until he had to tell his mom.  I was on the phone with Zach’s best friend (very close friend of mine after all of these years too) and was telling him what was going on.   I wasn’t going to have him come over that late, until I heard Zach start sobbing, big heaving sobs on the phone with his mom, and Robert said he would be right over.  It was so good to have him here.  For a while we considered having him come along with us, but realized that wasn’t the best idea for us or him.  It was nice of him to offer to come with us though.

A few more phone calls with Amber and Kirsten and we discovered that nobody there had numbers for Zach’s Aunts, Jim’s sisters.  They were considering sending messages via facebook out of desperation, but I told them to give me a bit and see if I could find them.  I knew we had addresses, but when I looked in my Palm Pilot, there wasn’t a phone number there for Sandy.  I started googling and came up with a number in the same town, with her dh’s name and called.  Wrong person.  (that was fun).  Then I googled Joyce and  went to compare addresses, discovered I did have Joyce’s number and called her.  That was one of the hardest phone calls I have ever had to make.  She said she would call Sandy.  After a while, I posted on my blog.  Much to my horror, that is how some of the cousins found out.  (it was late and, thinking they had gone to sleep, Sandy was going to tell them in the morning)  I think it was meant to be though because the chance of them seeing it when they did is just amazing.

One or the other of us was on the phone almost the whole time until past midnight.  I tried to rent a van, but the first one that was available was Thursday evening.  We called airlines and quickly realized that wasn’t a possibility for us.  (besides the fact that there have been multiple stories of autistic kids being kicked off planes and I knew Zane was not going to handle a plane ride well under this kind of stress) and I knew I could not handle it if that happened.  It would break me. At about 1am, we realized the kids were still up and put them to bed.

Our first big decision was whether or not to take the kids with us.  At first, we thought about leaving them here.  My parents would watch them.  Since this family doesn’t see each other often, and Hayden and Amber were bringing their kids (and the other siblings live in San Antonio area) we decided to bring the kids because it might be a while before we meet up with everybody again.  A few people in the family had met Zane, but nobody had met Zora.  If anything good was going to come out of this, at least they could meet our kids.

My parents immediately said that they would loan us the money we needed to rent a van, and mom said she would come up the next day to help me shop.  I had an outfit, and Zach had work clothes and a sportscoat, but when I pulled the summer clothes back out, all of Zora’s clothes were bright and cheerful, and the only remotely sedate clothing was meant for cold Kansas winters, not warm San Antonio.  (it was still in the 80s there).  Zane had some stuff, but needed shoes that weren’t bright green crocs.  Both had outgrown their summer church shoes. We ended up getting Zane a sportscoat, which seemed appropriate because almost all the pictures Zach has of him and his dad has Zach in a sportscoat just like his Dads.  We found some stuff on clearance for Zora (summery, but more sedate).

I also needed new make-up. I realized that most of my make-up was left over from my wedding. I would buy new mascara and eye liner when I needed to wear make-up, but I know the last time I tried to use the eye shadow the little sponge brushes literally disintegrated in the make up when I tried to put it on. It was time.

Tuesday, I spent the morning trying, again, to find a car to rent in Wichita sooner.  I was hoping for a van, but there was nothing.  Mom came up and we took Zora and went shopping, and Zach stayed home with Zane, next to the phone, talking to family as plans firmed up and trying to get a car sooner because the viewing was moved to Thursday instead of Friday. 

Eventually, Zach got a Hertz agent to understand what was going on and they started working on their end to get a car into Wichita ASAP.  We were willing to drive to surrounding towns, but Wichita was the main hub in this area for cars and nothing else was available either.  We think they called down to KC and brought a van from there (it had MO plates) and they said they would try and get it to us by noon on Wednesday.  It was clear they were pulling strings and really going the extra mile because every time they located a possible car, they would call to see if it was ok…the first was a 2 seater, but strapping the kids to the roof seemed like a bad idea.

It was weird to go shopping in a rush like that, but we always feel so…I don’t know…inadequate, around that family.  We always feel like the poor relatives and that feels really yucky.  I know that we aren’t as dirt poor as we once were, and it shouldn’t have mattered to me (and I am sure that it didn’t matter to them), but I already have to walk into that crowd as the fat one (I hate how I look…HATE.IT.  My hair is ugly, my body is ugly, and I feel so freakin’ frumpy.), and that couldn’t be changed in an afternoon, but at least my kids could look nice. 

I shouldn’t have felt that way.  It was a fear that I realized was totally unfounded when I got there.  Everybody was warm and welcoming and I knew instantly that nobody there cared one iota what we were wearing, they just cared that we were there.  It’s weird what fears and insecurities come up when facing stuff like this though.  

Between the time we found out on Monday evening until Thursday night after the viewing, I had a total of *maybe* 6 hours of sleep.  I found I just couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t even sleep in the van on the way there either.  On Tuesday night I sent Zach to bed so he would be awake to drive and I stayed up packing. 

Packing was very erratic.  I couldn’t make decisions and ended up packing pretty much every weather appropriate outfit we own, all of our toiletries (including bandaids and some first aid stuff that actually came in handy) and a very strange selection of toys for the kids.  I packed snacks for the kids and even had stuff like spoons for yogurt and knives for peanut butter.  I packed and packed and packed.  You would think we were moving.  lol.  Luckily, we don’t actually own very many clothes, so it fit easily into the van.  We went to Germany for two weeks with one carry-on rolling suitcase each, the computers in Zach’s briefcase, and my purse.  That was it.  We had enough room in them to buy several bags of stuff there and have it fit in our luggage.  We left for a 4 day trip to San Antonio with enough stuff to live there for a year. 

The drive itself was long and hard, but the van was nice.  We left Wichita at about 2pm, discussing how we were going to get around in San Antonio (we printed off 1 google map and forgot to print anything else) and, despite the fact we have lived in Wichita the majority of our adult life, turned the wrong way on the interstate.  About 25 miles out, we saw a sign giving mileage to Kansas City and realized our mistake and turned around.  How on earth we managed to do that, we have no idea.  I joked with mom that maybe angels turned us around to keep us out of an accident.  

A few hours later, as we were getting ready to enter Oklahoma City, they were talking about a major pile up that had occurred on I-35.  I started watching for the location and realized, when I saw it, it was about an hour from where we were when it happened…had we not taken the hour detour, we might have been in the middle of it.  Maybe it really was angels.

The kids actually did reasonably well on the drive.  Zane played his DS and Zora, somehow, managed to entertain herself with the oddball contents of her “sparkle purse” (she puts helicopters, cars, dollhouse dolls and other odds and ends in there) and singing at the top of her lungs.  We stopped at fast food places with those play structures (even a stand alone chick-fil-a…I had never seen one of those outside a mall, so that was odd) and let the kids stretch their legs while we ate, and then they ate when we got back in the van.  We also discovered a magical concoction of extra caffinated coffee for Zach.

We rolled into San Antonio at around 3:30 or so, and it took several misturns to figure out how to get to the hotel.  We could see it, but we couldn’t figure out how to get to it for a while.  We unloaded everything and set the room up for the kids to be more comfortable because everybody was too wound up to just go to sleep.

We slept a few hours, then dragged ourselves out of bed for breakfast downstairs, and met up with Joyce and Dan at breakfast.

We talked briefly with some other family members about making a place where we can all upload our photos together and share the pictures.

I made an account at Walgreens. The username is our last name, and the password is (the other) Jennifer’s maiden name followed by the number “1″ (you have to have both letters and numbers in the password).

I am just now starting to load pictures on there, so if you see this message right away, it might be empty, but there should be pictures there later today.

PLEASE feel free to add your pictures. That is what it is there for.

ETA:
The username starts with a capital letter
The password does not.

Sorry if this caused confusion.

The pictures are all raw footage. I will be going through them and doing red eye corrections, etc. If you have one/some in particular that needs a bit of photoshop work, let me know and I will do that for you. I also just uploaded with the default settings. I don’t know if that means it is the original size, but if not, again, tell me and I can try again. I haven’t done this much, but I chose Walgreens because they actively support integrating autistic and developmentally delayed adults into the workplace and have a really high percentage of disabled workers.

When Zach and I pulled up to the farm after work, we saw the grader going down the drive and laughed. The kids talked Grandpa into a grader ride too. We found out later that Zane had also been in the backhoe and moved a lever and some residual hydraulic pressure caused the bucket to move just a little…he was thrilled. (the backhoe was off). They had also ridden on the 4 wheeler with Grandpa a bit too. (He goes really, really slowly)

The bike is turned off here, but mom got a great picture that shows one of the interesting ways he contorts and balances on top of things.

Steve’s truck was there when we pulled onto the farmstead, but he was in town dropping a load off at the grain elevator, but the kids were starving (ok, so were the adults), so we sat down to a great supper of roast, potatoes & carrots. He came in to eat after a while, then the two guys headed out to keep working, each on a different combine.

The kids goofed off for about an hour before heading home.
Zora occupied herself by giving the cat a ride in the wagon, loading the goose and goslings (garden decorations I used to play with at my grandparent’s house) in with the cat, and then trying to feed the cat.

Zane was “digging for treasure”, and specified “gold”. He made a pretty decent size hole too.

Zora checking things out and wanting to “help”

A beautiful, full day.

The time of year where a “field trip” is actually to a field. (Split into a few posts because of length.)

Zach had to work in Mac yesterday, and it happened to coincide with the beginning of harvest for my folks, so Zach worked the morning here in town and picked us up after ST to head out to Mac, then I drove the kids to the farm.

They were cutting both soybeans and corn. The entire field isn’t ready to cut, but some parts are. (they weren’t all planted at the same time)

The corn combine has a “buddy seat” in it so that another adult can ride along. My Mom rode along this round to make sure the kids stayed safe their first ride on a combine.

Turning around at the end of the row and picking me up.

Because corn is so specialized, you can only use a corn combine for corn. The machine doesn’t cut the stalks, instead, it strips all the leaves and husks of corns off the stalk, leaving the stalk mostly in tact. Inside the machine it strips the husks off, strips the corn off the cob, and then spits the leaves, husks and corncobs back out and the corn goes into the bin.

Watching the stalks being stripped and the corn going in.

At the end of the row, the bin was full, and the semi truck driver had arrived, so we headed back to the driveway where Mom and the driver were waiting. The semi truck holds 3 loads of corn, so two grain trailers plus the corn still in the combine bins all fit into the truck. With the price of gas, it is cheaper now to hire a semi to come out rather than truck it into town yourself. (plus the hour or two it takes while waiting in line at the elevator to dump the load). The following picture is the process of emptying the trailers and combine into the semi truck. The kids stayed in the cab of the combine.

You can see the corn in the trailer as the process starts (taken from the stairs landing at the combine door)

Waiting with Grandma

The grain trailers are empty, so Dad takes the combine to empty it.

Off to take a quick break inside and get a drink.

(will continue…)

It was a great day. I wish my Dad could have made it, but he had a really awful cold. Mom and Steve both met us there though. It was good to see Steve again. It was especially good to see him spend time with the kids and start to really get to know them better. (something he could never really do with his soon-to-be-ex) After a week of constant rain, it finally cleared in the afternoon and we were blessed with perfect weather too.

The fair is such a big deal for our family. Steve and I were often at the fair every day as kids/teens because we didn’t live far away and we were very involved and often had many various entries, from art, to FFA, to FHA, to competing in the band contests. My mom said she has only missed two fairs her entire life: the first when she was about Zora’s age, when there was a big polio scare, and the second when she was in the hospital having Steve. (his birthday always falls during the fair, and this year it was the day we all went there).

The Illinois State Fair was a big deal in Zach’s childhood, and one of Zane’s strongest and most enduring interests is in roller coasters and rides (he plays Roller Coaster Tycoon on the computer quite a bit and loves to design rides, pathways, and landscaping on the game).

It was a really fabulous day for all of us.

Through the poultry building on the way to get some food.

The look at the poultry was pretty much over when Zane realized that the rides were just on the other side of the building. We first went and got a Pronto Pup to eat because all of the adults were starving, then on to the rides.

Zane wanted to go into the obstacle course ride. We held our breath as we watched him climb up rope ladders, traverse a narrow swinging type bridge, and navigate through other obstacles until he finally made his way to the triumphant big slide. We didn’t have to go in after him and he didn’t seem to hesitate on the different obstacles…we were happy to see that.

Zora waiting with her brother for her first ride ever.

For her first ride ever, she insisted on the car ride. While Zane chose the back seat of a jeep thing, Zora went straight for the two seater red sportscar.

Another one where I go…you take him…I don’t wanna.

Letting us know she is good to go on the NASCAR ride. lol

Zach and Zane sat in the back row, Steve and Zora right in front of them. We were a little shocked when Zora asked to go on this thing. I know it is a “kid’s” roller coaster, but still. The girl has serious daredevil genes.

The adult roller coaster, this time Zora sat out (too little), but Steve came along for the ride again. Zane loves this thing.

After riding “Ye Olde Mill” and the train, we decided to split up because Zora wanted to see the animals and Zane wanted to go back to the rides. Zach and Zane ended up on two or three more rides, including one that was more intense than the adult roller coaster. Zane, of course, loved it. We were there late enough that Zane got to see the rides with all the lights on. He and Zach rode one of the rides that Zach remembers riding with his dad in the dark…it was called the “Blizzard” and is the one I remember being called the “Schletterbaum”…where you go up and down in circles really fast, then it takes you backwards, with really loud music and blinking lights, half of the area covered, half outside.

Zora seemed most interested in seeing a cow. What she really wanted was to go up to all of the big cows and bulls, but what we let her do was pet the calves. Here she is showing us the cow.

Zora and her “unka ‘teve”

This was the response when I told her she needed to wash her hands.

She insisted on getting Steve to show him the 4 horned sheep. He was able to convince her to wash her hands with no problem. lol.

We wore them out. They didn’t even wake up when we carried them inside and into bed.

WooHoo! There is so much I could say here, but I won’t. Not yet. At least not until the divorce is final, but I will say that I am so utterly relieved that my brother finally saw who she was and won’t let himself be run over any more. He should have done this years ago, but at least it is happening now.

No more family gatherings where everybody walks on eggshells the entire time so that she won’t take out her convoluted perceptions on my brother. Ahhhh.

Happy Happy Birthday,

That’s what we’re here to say

Happy Happy Birthday,

May All Your Dreams Come True!

Happy Happy Birthday,

From All of us to you.  HEY!

Yeah…too many years waiting tables…this is the song that goes through my head now days. lol.

After long conversations with each of his parents on the phone (they each live several states away), my folks invited us to Carabas for Zach’s Birthday.  Much to our suprise and delight, Steve and Joy were there too.  Joy looks a lot better and even treated us to a glass of some decent wine.  Yum. 

So very appropriate for my guy.

Zora’s first cannoli. 

She was pleased.

 We had to go to Mac today to pick up Zach after work because he had to drop off the company car today.  After we picked him up, we went to Joy’s store (she wasn’t there, still recovering) and saw my mom and Steve.  Mom/Grandma helped the kids paint some pottery (will be fired later), then we grabbed a bucket of chicken and went out to the park for a picnic.

She came through surgery just fine.  It was a couple of hours (can’t remember exactly how long right now) and they found three different nerves causing problems.  They were able to get the two bigger ones,  on opposite sides of the heart, but weren’t able to pinpoint the smaller one.  It should be a significant improvement though. She will be in the hospital for a few more days, possibly into the weekend, as they wait for her blood to thicken back up to a more normal level.  (she will still be on blood thinners, but not like she was for the surgery)