Zach’s Dad and the Christmas letter (split from a post about autism)
This holiday was difficult because of the loss of Zach’s dad. We found ourselves having to correct ourselves when presenting gifts from “Grammie” instead of “Papo and Grammie”. We are still really struggling to adjust to the idea that he isn’t here any more. We are finding our thoughts wander to him and his absence feels really profound, despite the fact that we didn’t see him very often. My thoughts often went to Zach’s siblings, knowing that they are likely feeling his absence much more immediately than we are, and how difficult this holiday must be for them. Even for us it was enough to make it impossible to write the traditional Christmas letter and card because I just couldn’t find a way to state the obvious without feeling competely ovehwhelmed with grief. I have thought about just sending the cards late, but honestly, I don’t think I can. It is just too much for me right now. The grief is just too fresh and raw.
Until I talked to my mom about it, I didn’t even realize that it was just this year that Zach graduated with his Master Degree, and, realistically, we did actually have some good news to share in a Christmas update. Before talking to her I felt like the whole letter would be: Zora is growing, Zane is still autistic, I am still fat, and Zach’s dad died. That pretty much summed up how I feel right now. It isn’t fun, it isn’t uplifting, and it is a picture of people really working to keep our heads above water. I WANT to feel empowered and happy, but I don’t most of the time. I feel pretty fragile most days to be honest. I take things much more personally than I should because I am just struggling to hang on most days. I know it will get better, and I know I have the strength to keep going, but some days it is just really hard. I feel so very, very human many days.
As I look towards the next year, I just hope it is better than this year. I look forward with hope and resolve to do everything in my power to make it as good of a future as possible.
Maybe you could write a new year letter. You can always hope that 2009 brings better things. I do hope things will get better. Losing a loved one is awful. My Granddaddy died just 3 years ago on Dec. 16th and my most favorite granny (his wife) died on Sept. 1st 1995. I went to their cemetery and just stood there and sobbed like a child while we were at my Aunt’s for Christmas. I don’t think you ever get over it. I miss them so much it makes me sick inside. I think about it all the time. It is just hard. Hard to explain. I know that it is good that someone had such an impact on my life. But, just makes me terribly sad to think that my children won’t know or remember them. I know what you mean about “Zane still has Autism” our Tommy turned 7 today. So many things have improved for him, but, I still fret and worry constantly about his future. It makes me so sad for him how hard everything is. Ella is a social butterfly. Tommy didn’t want to play on the playground today because there were so many people. He said he didn’t like all of the crowds. Ella cried when everybody left. They are total opposites. Keep your chin up. You can’t stop hoping that things will keep getting better. Jenny
I know what you mean about stating the obvious when there has been a death in the family. My mother-in-law died in Sept. ‘07 and our christmas card was a reprint of some of her artwork, with her date of death indicated in case any far-flung people (on my side) hadn’t heard the news – nothing about us, our kids, etc. This year, I’m glad to report, was a little more uplifting
Sorry you’re feeling so worn down – you can skip holiday cards for a year! Or, I like the idea of focusing on the New Year instead…