Taking the Scenic Route

#38 “Family Get Together”

#37 “Grandpa’s Patch”

His is about 4 months late, mine is a few days early. It was great. Mom and Dad took us to Olive Garden and we had a lot of fun talking and joking.

My handsome brother

Scrunching up her face in response to an offer to try a lemon wedge

Grandma sat in between her two favorite (only) grandkids, and they kept her busy during the meal.

And, when we got back home, in Zora’s attempt to get us to go back out again, put on every piece of jewelry she has. Silly girl.

My brother’s much anticipated divorce is final today. (well, yesterday, it is after midnight). I know it is sad on a significant level, but I am mostly relieved. I wish things could have been different for him because I really wanted him to be happy and know the comfort and happiness that comes with a good relationship, but I am relieved that he finally was able to let go of an unhealthy and abusive relationship.

She was not only difficult for my brother, but my parents. They really went the extra mile over and over again for her, but she was unable to appreciate all that they did, either emotionally or physically and was just inconceivably horrible to them. I am glad to close that chapter of our lives. She also became really wierd to us after the autism diagnosis, somehow taking a personal affront that Zane was autistic (although I never really figured out how it was that we were being nasty to her because Zane was autistic, but oh well). She had a knack of turning ever single situation to be something about her. She was self-centered on a level I have only rarely encountered before, a phenomena to behold.

I am glad that we no longer have to walk on eggshells every time she is a part of a family gathering; always concerned that we would inadvertently say something that Steve would spend weeks “paying” for, or serving food that she would whine about endlessly, or not show “enough” appreciation for something (it wasn’t enough to say a simple “thank you” to her…ever, despite the fact that the gifts she gave were usually more about what she liked than any resemblance to anything we were interested in…after all, she is the one who gave us that hideous Hummer remote control car meant for 10 years and older when Zane was two…so very many things wrong with that), or making sure to make her feel included in every aspect of every thing we ever do, even if it is the kid’s birthdays or a kid-centered holiday, or trying not to mention “Christmas” or “Easter” at the celebrations because it suddenly was offensive to her (she was Christian when they married, but when her dad became some sort of Christian that didn’t celebrate any of the Christian holidays, suddenly she didn’t either, and took offense at the mere mention of the holiday…far more offense than any of my Jewish, Islamic or Pagan friends, it became a real landmine to try and celebrate anything without a whole lot of tension.)

I wish she could have been the person she presented herself to be, but she wasn’t. I am sad for my brother because he really was hurt by her, and really went the extra mile again and again for her (including the divorce, where he took on almost all the extensive debt that she created and postponed the divorce to give her time to get health insurance…far beyond what was even reasonable in my opinion). He is a gentle, kind hearted guy and he really got screwed, but he can walk away with a clear conscious and knowing he didn’t compromise his values, and for that I have a great deal of respect for him. He is a good person, through and through. I am proud of him and hope he finds some happiness.

Santa Came!

Discovering the stockings

In true Zane style (and Zora follows his lead on this), he explores each thing before moving on to the next thing. It is really nice that they savor each gift, but means there is no frenzied gift unwrapping, and it takes him a good hour to go through his stocking alone, longer if we didn’t encourage him to return to the stocking. The main gifts take about a half hour in between each gift most of the time.

Here is Zane enjoying the sparkly spinny thing at the top of his stocking. One of those toys that seems were made for autistic people.

The stockings disasembled

Grandma, Grandpa and Steve arrive and we pull out all of the snacks. Since it takes the kids so long to open things, we decide not to have the meal sitting around the table, but just enjoy the snacks until the Six Cheese Crabmeat Lasagna is ready and eat at our leisure while watching the merryment.

The gifts from Grandma and Grandpa. Beautiful musical snow globes. The both loved them, and Zane put his up on the TV stand and stopped to look at it througout the afternoon. They both play “You are my Sunshine”, a song my mom always sang to me, and I sing to them. Perfect.

The gift that made Zora clap with happiness, a Mustang from Uncle Steve.

Of course, it takes a mechanical engineer and a set of tools to get it out of the box. (good thing we have both)

Zora got some “Fancy Nancy” books and dress up clothes. Instead of putting them on herself, she wanted to dress daddy in them. He was ok with the tiara, but drew the line at fairy wings.

Zane examines the Mario Bros. Monopoly game (he also got a Labryinth game that he studied for a long time)

A little food break here:
Six Cheese Crabmeat Lasagna (we used to make it as Manicotti, but Lasagna is much easier)

The snacks, including some Cheesy poof things from Hillbilly Housewife…they were the texture of pie crust, with a lot of cheesy goodness. I think if we would have frozen them first they would have been more ball shape, but they melted before they got a crust on them so they looked more like cookies. You can’t eat just one. We also had some bone-in ham (made last night), summer sausage, cheese, bread, crackers and the requisite candy and cookies. (not pictured, the green beans how my grandma made them, with bacon and flour schmutz.)

We also had a cherry pie. I was planning on sending cherry pies home with people, but for some reason, only one of my five pie plates were in the cabinet. (all of my guests seemed to remember that they were in their kitchens, after previous pies sent home), so I used a big pan that my mom sent with us one time to make the last “pie” with all the crust on the top. lol. She didn’t seem to mind taking her pan home “dirty” at all. We also made three batches of fudge and sent home a batch with each family.

Both kids got Morphibians, remote control cars that can, theoretically, handle water. Zane played with it later, once it was calmer, but Zora was ready to dig right in. If it didn’t listen to her, she would scold it and point which direction it was supposed to go, and then pick it up and move it. Grandpa and Uncle Steve helped her learn how to steer it.

Finally, we got to the big gift. I was taking video so there aren’t any picture of opening it, but it was a wii, some accessories, and a few games. Zane was VERY excited. Zora kept thinking every package was meant for Zane and would deliver the item to Zane with a “here ya go Zane”. We played Mario Kart and some of the Wii Sports game it came with. It was a BALL! We have played with it every day since. It was a hoot to watch people playing, and we spent the rest of the day taking turns on the wii.

Steve’s gift to Zane was “Paper Mario” for Wii. When Zane opened it, he actually commented ” Awesome!” after opening it, the first time we had ever heard him say that. He was VERY excited about the game.

Not pictured directly (although probably in the background) are the gifts from Grammie Z: a Breyer’s stable/cafe (yeah, weird combination, but Zora loves it) for Zora, and the “Outbreak” game that Zane has been eyeing for several months.

An incredibly fun Christmas for all. One of the most relaxed Christmases in recent memory.

Nothing particularly dramatic, but just a nice holiday with the family. On Thursday we went out to my parent’s farm for a big turkey dinner. Mom & Dad, Maternal Grandma, Steve & the four of us. The food was great, the atmosphere was comfortable, and the conversation was good. The kids had fun playing on the piano and with the remote control car. I didn’t get a many pictures because my camera died while taking a picture of the pies, but the memories are nice.

Friday we mostly cleaned and hung around the house. Robert came over in the evening and we watched tv and the guys did some programming. Saturday we went to Exploration Place late morning for the Little Explorers workshop. This weeks theme was something about Christmas bells and the kids played a song on hand chimes and learned about the clapper in the bells. Zane rode the merry-go-round on his own again this week and was grinning ear to ear. Zora still needed Daddy to stand nearby (she is too little to get on by herself anyway) but was thrilled too.

Sunday was the big reunion for my Dad’s family (his siblings and all of their kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids). It was great to see everybody, naturally. Zora and her second cousin, born 2 weeks earlier, played together quite a bit. Zane and another of the second cousins who was just a bit older than him played a game of “Trouble” (the one where you press a dome to turn the dice and then move your pegs around the board). We don’t know how that started (we assume the other cousin initiated it and somehow showed Zane how to play) but it was pretty exciting for us to see him playing a game with somebody. He spent most of the time playing his Nintendo DS because he was starting to get overwhelmed and wanted to go home.

The siblings and their spouses. Howard & Joyce, Gordon & Annie, Larry & Teresa.

Wish this one were less blurry, but I love it anyway

Playing a game

The girls

Zane working on “Princess Peach”. He accidently erased his game history on the game the night before and was having to replay a bunch of levels.

We did find our thoughts turning to Zach’s Dad through the weekend. He is very missed. Our prayers went out to my sMIL and Zach’s siblings who are used to his actual presence (instead of just long phone calls) on the holidays. I am sure as much as we were feeling the loss, it had to be much more immediate for them.

As they day wound down and people left, we found ourselves lingering until it was just us and the other siblings with Jennifer. I think it was the first time it really felt ike family with the siblings for Zach and I. The uncomfortableness was gone and we were just connected.

All through the week we learned things about Dad, his relationships, how he lived, and our siblings. I am not going to share them on the blog because they are too personal, but I will say that we had some misconceptions. Zach and my heart healed a lot this trip, in ways I could never have anticipated. I hope they are also wanting to continue building a relationship with us.

As sad and hurt as I was that Jim had never met Zora, I am not any more. Although I realize that he could have made different choices, I understand that he did want to see her. That was good to know.

Sidetrack into autism stuff:

I still don’t really understand why nobody knew that Zane was autistic other than the siblings. That was a little weird for us throughout the week. I was confused, at first, why we were getting *that* look, but figured out that nobody knew. I guess I forget that “Autism” is still a scary word full of stigma for other people. I know he was tight lipped about things, but I was just really suprised that they hadn’t even told Jennifer’s brother, a doctor. He actually hunted us down on Saturday, shortly after he had found out about it. He had a granddaughter (I think…my brain was so foggy when he talked to me I am not 100% sure) who was non-responsive and showed many autistic traits as an infant. He did a huge amount of research and used biomed techniques (specifically, treatment for yeast overgrowth) and she is now indistinguishable from peers. (seriously, I didn’t notice any of the kids with any sort of autistic tendencies…so if that child was there, she really is indistinguishable even to the somewhat trained eye).

He talked to me at length about Zane’s symptoms (and man did it make me dig in my brain…usually I can list off all of his tests and evals and treatments off the tip of my tongue, but I was really fried and was struggling to make my tongue work. lol). He got me a script for some non-systemic anti-fungal and I am going to get with my doctor here to have him work with me on doing yeast treatment on Zane. Thankfully, he also agrees with going low and slow so it isn’t hard on Zane. I started him on a low dose of the meds when we got back and am doing a lot of reading on the diets I am going to need to implement. The diet part is really going to be rough because it looks like almost his entire diet is yeast-feeding. (except for meat) I plan on starting to change the diet tomorrow, the day after Halloween. (He has been looking forward to Halloween for the entire month and I was not going to tell him he can’t have any candy on Halloween…it could wait a few days)

So, I am back to evaluating poop on a daily basis. Fun. (no changes yet, btw)

There was also another person there I was introduced to who worked with special needs kids. They worked with a new program where you strengthen different parts of the brain to help increase learning. It takes into account which hand/foot/eye/ear is the strongest and develops a program based on that. I didn’t totally get it (again, major brain fog), but it sounded interesting. I have to dig through my stuff though because I know they gave me a pamphlet of some kind that, presumably, has the name of the program on it. The only thing I can remember of the name is the picture I have in my head of the “Little Giant Ladders” that I have seen infomercials for. I am not sure if the name has something to do with “ladders” or “orange ladders” or “little giants” or some other weird thing that I remembered that way for some reason. lol. Sometimes a visual memory can be really confusing.

And, back to the subject…
I am really glad we went. Zach was resistant to going for a while, but I knew he needed to, and I knew it would be a good thing, but I don’t think I even came close to understanding how true that was. When every body is raw and stripped bare by the trauma of such a sudden passing, it can go either way…either it is the last event that forever rips a family apart, or it pulls everybody together even closer than they were. In this case, even though we feared the former, we most definatly experienced the latter.

And, to finish on a lighter note, at the end of the day our camera was full. Zane picked it up wanting to take pictures, so Zach went through the camera and erased a few pictures so there was space for Zane to take about 3 pictures. The first was the back of a Ritz box, the second was the cool lighting fixtures in the kitchen, the third was this, confirming our suspitions that he really connected with Tirza:

I didn’t take any photos of the Memorial Service because it just feels odd to me to take pictures in a church…weird, I know. The service was totally appropriate and very uplifting, and the service was largely a celebration of Jim’s faith and his affect on those around him.

One thing that stood out to me was watching Jennifer’s mom, sitting next to her. She is quite old…I think in her late 90s, and was just widowed this last spring. I can’t imagine having to watch your daughter go through the same thing when the pain of your own loss is still that fresh.

On a rather funny note, we got lost going there. Twice. It was the one location we had been to several times before and yet, we still managed to miss the turnoffs. Zach, who is frustratingly polite driving most of the time, actually got honked at twice pushing his way into traffic trying to get there. We had to laugh. In direct contrast to Zach, his dad’s aggressive driving was legendary. He seemed to enjoy making passengers squirm and was honked at regularly. Frankly, we were amazed he died of natural causes and not a car wreck. We figured the honkers had his dad’s eyes twinkling with his amused smirk in heaven. lol.

After the service, we went out to his Dad’s house, about a half an hour into the Hill Country near a big lake. The area sort of reminded me of the Sand Hills that are South and East of Hutchinson, and my Maternal grandparent’s home place. Well, except that there were gates here, but they weren’t to keep the cattle in. lol.

Zane and Zach took a long walk around the property to really look at what Jim had done. Jim had designed a myriad of intertwining paths and “rivers” of rock. Zane wanted to walk the maze of rocks and so he and Zach spent a good amount of time just enjoying the intricacies of the landscaping. Zane picked a rock out that he really liked and brought it home with him. It sits in a place of honor in his room. Here he is showing it to the camera.

The pool was just beautiful and the center of the action for much of the day. Jim designed every aspect of it.

The tree he was planting. When we were at the viewing one of their neighbors came over and planted it so that nobody would have to come home to it still being undone. What a thoughtful neighbor.

On the side table next to his chair in the bedroom.

Landscaping binds the generations together in Zach’s family. A lot of Zach’s memories of his dad growing up are going with him and doing landscaping. His grandpa also did a lot of gardening, grew an orchard, and was always working with the landscaping with Zach too. This yard was a challenge to him because he had never worked in this kind of environment. I think it is easy to see he was a master, and his yard was his masterpiece.

I overheard somebody say that firepit was the first thing he built when he started landscaping this property. It is at the back of the property and opens out to wild land. It is so peaceful sitting out there.

Most of Jim’s grandkids were there that day, so we gathered them up and tried to get a picture. The first pictures are before Rocco was brought into the picture. Sloan is the only one I see missing. (in one of my previous posts, she is the one in the raspberry stripped Hannah Andersson dress, going down the slide)

From left to right: Zane, Zora, Soren, Tirzah, Noah, Brenna. In front later is Rocco.

A much needed night out! Everyone staying at the hotel (Jim’s sisters and their families and us) decided a night at the Riverwalk would be good. All of us are from out of town so we don’t get the opportunity to go down there very often.

The kids were antsy waiting for food, so I ended up taking a walk with Zora while we waited. Along the way she saw two girls playing with lightsabers, and she was really excited to watch, pointing and exclaiming ” ‘tar wowts’ ” (star wars) over and over again. A few minutes later, we came across the vender selling the lightsabers. I didn’t have any money on me so we went back to see if Zach wanted to get them for the kids. Well, it didn’t take long and Zach came back with lightsabers for both of the kids.

After we were done eating, we were still standing around talking near the table and noticed that there was a dance floor with rainbow disco lights swirling around the floor. We decided the kids would love it and went in, and immediately Zane looked euphoric and was dancing all over the place, with Zora enthusiastically joining in. Some of the adults joined in too and we laughed and danced and had so much fun. Then the manager came and kicked us out. lol. Apparently, you can’t even enter the building if you are under 21, so we had to leave. Leave it to the rowdy family to get kicked out of a bar. (totally worth it, by the way)

I love going out to their estate. It is so peaceful and comfortable there, and they have always worked to make it a place where people can really relax. It was a great atmosphere to sit and chat and share stories and memories.

I think the playground area is new, at least in the last 5 years or so. The kids just loved it. It also made life a lot easier for parents because it kept the kids in the same general area (particularly Zane, who tends to wander off if he gets bored or overwhelmed).

They had a local restaurant cater, and had all the ribs, brisket, and some poultry and all the sides. There was enough selection that I was able to eat some of it, which was really nice. Later on, the kids all had an ice cream treat too.

All of the kids were nice and played together well. It made me wish we lived closer.

Zora and Brenna really hit it off. (Hayden & Amber’s younger girl, about a year and a half older than Zora) Brenna seemed to love being the older girl and telling Zora how to do stuff. I saw them holding hands for a while too. They both have strong personalities and seemed a good match. Zora also seemed to get along with the boys running around. My rough and tumble little girl.

Zane and Tirza (Hayden & Amber’s oldest, six months younger than Zane) seemed to make a connection too. Zane even pushed Tirza on a swing. (which made me really excited…attempting to join in play like that is a huge deal) Tirza commented to her mom that Zane must not have realized she knew how to pump her legs, but she let him push her anyway…she is such a kind hearted kid. She seemed to “get” Zane more than a lot of people do.