Taking the Scenic Route

this post might sound depressing, but I really am not particularly depressed

First, I will start with the good news.  I think my post partum bleeding has finally subsided *knock on wood*  That took long enough!  Over 3 months was plenty as far as I am concerned.

Today I have been doing the same thing I have done almost every Saturday for years….trying to decide if we are going to try and go to church tomorrow.  It finally struck me today why this is always so stressful.  I feel like such a bad person for dreading church so much every week.  I actually do enjoy the service, but I can count on two fingers the number of times I have actually been able to enjoy a full service without having to leave through out the service (one as an infant when he just slept through the service, the other around a year ago when I visited my home church and the sunday school teacher was a very experienced mom/grandma/teacher and he didn’t lose it, requiring me to come be with him)

I realized that is why I hate church so much.  It is just horribly stressful on several levels.  One, the looks you get when your child is different than the other kids, the other is desperatly hoping your child will play in an appropriate way and won’t throw a monumental tantrum.  We haven’t been back to church as a family (I went with Zora to my home church one Sunday) since early in my pregnancy.  I was on bedrest, so it was an easy reason not to have to think about it too much.  Zane turned 4 at Christmastime, and now will be expected to be in the actual preschool classrooms and particiapate, and sit nicely, and pay attention instead of just being able to play.  I know that this is unlikely to be very successful without somebody right there prompting him every step of the way.  I do not know how to handle this.  I just don’t.  I feel weird arranging for Zach or I to be there every week, especially since I would likely have Zora with me (as if another adult and a kid who doesn’t follow instructions well isn’t enough of a distraction for the other kids).  I especially feel weird asking this when we haven’t been attending regularly and they don’t really know us.  I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.

Zach and I have discussed the possibility of one of us going one week, the other the next so that we are able to go to church.  However, I want Zane raised in the church.  I want him to have a spiritual background.  I read him bible stories and incorporate religion into our lives (I would have to go out of my way not too..it is part of the way I view the world and see life).  I am not really sure that he understands, or how much he understands.  He likes Veggietales, but vegetables singing about God isn’t the same thing as having a concept of who God and Jesus are.  ( I really enjoy Veggietales, and at least he is hearing a good message, just not sure how much of it he ‘gets’) 

I wish I knew what to do.  I have a feeling the church next to us would have people in it that would at least understand our needs a bit better since there is a high level of education at that church, but I am not a ‘member’ of the church. (it is a Congregational church)   A part of me would rather go across town to the Mennonite church (I am not a member of *that* church, but I am of *a* Mennonite church), but it is ‘across town’ (expensive for gas and less-than-reliable vehicles) and it is several hours earlier to go to the services.

This is something I just have no solution for right now.  I hope I figure out something soon.