Autism this Holiday Season (edited into two posts)
Honestly, he did a lot better than he has in the past. There is growth and improvement. However, it doesn’t mean it all went smoothly. We missed church the Sunday before and on Christmas Eve because he just wasn’t dealing with life very well. He seemed to be on the edge of an emotional break and I felt like I spent the last week or two trying to balance his needs with the holiday stuff. I did a better job than in the past (experience does help) and he didn’t have a meltdown, but it was really close a lot of times.
I think one of the main things that made a difference was my ability to let go of what “should be” to “what is”. It is sort of depressing, on one hand, because you want your child to be able to enjoy everything and dive full force into what is “supposed” to be fun, but it is more important to recognize when your expectations are not realistic. I really, REALLY wanted to participate in the Christmas Eve program. I could almost TASTE how badly I wanted to do that. However, not only was Zane starting to crack on Saturday (before the Sunday of the last rehearsal), and was totally not dealing with anything by Sunday morning, but he was really, REALLY not dealing by Christmas Eve. He was incredibly thin-skinned, having a hard time dealing with typical conflicts and interactions, plus he developed really bad bowel movements (really watery and stinky), presumably from the difference in food. (we also realized later that we hadn’t been as consistent as usual with his anti-yeast meds as we had been…so I feel guilty about that too).
He did seem to enjoy things, but he also seemed to be PMSing on steroids through much of the week. By his birthday, he was barely hanging on, and by the next day, he was sleeping extensive amounts, puking, not eating much, and was screaming every time he needed a new diaper (with no solids waste to be seen). He was in agony and life was a stimmy, stressful mess for everyone around him.
This holiday season was another period of growth for me. Sometimes painful, sometimes a feeling a resignation, but mostly just trying to enjoy “what is”. Mostly in the moment and doing a better job of giving him gifts that he will enjoy rather than what I want him to enjoy.
I am sorry about the loss of Zach’s dad. Our street which only has six house as seen two brothers and a sister die within the span of a week! So, it has been somber for our neighbors.
Concerning Zane, we have gone through cycles of grief for Pamela, but now it is mainly joy. We have come to accept her for who she is and delight in the little things . . . like the guitar she just made and shared with us (rubber bands wrapped around a plastic cup). It did take a long time to get to this point, and I pray you will find more joy around the bend!