Taking the Scenic Route

I am reading Dr. Phil’s Weight Management book.  I skimmed it 6 months ago, but this time I am taking the time to really pay attention and evaluate myself a bit more.  Before I get going I want to clarify. 

I am not a fanatic of Dr. Phil.  I often watch him, but I don’t agree with him all the time and I tend to really disagree with much of his parenting advice, but he does have some valid things to say.  I watch him mostly because he makes me think and I enjoy Psychology so I like seeing his approach to things.   I think a large part of why I disagree with him a lot is because he seems to be a strict Behaviorist, and while I see the validity of some aspects of that school of thought, I am more of a cognitive and humanistic psychology fan.  Behaviorists are definatly more clear cut and consice, lending itself well to a mass audience with a lot of black & white ideas, but I think in a lot of ways it is too simplistic and really doesn’t explain the human experience very accurately.  I also disagree with him because he flat out disagrees with a lot of Attachment Parenting principles, which I strongly agree with.  At least he doesn’t advocate spanking, a big plus.  I don’t always agree with his punitive behavioral control, but I don’t always disagree either. 

Back to the subject at hand.  The book.  I am working through the “Key One: Right Thinking, Step One” chapter and saw some insights to myself.

1. Locus of Control: .  In my early 20s I was much more likely to believe my life had an external locus of control with a little bit of chance thrown in, but now I am 90% internal LOC, with external and chance still there, but more as a secondary belief.  However, I never really thought about the negatives of an internal LOC, but they certainly apply to me.  I tend to blame myself for everything, every failure, whether it is really my fault or not.  I am also not likely to reach out for support of others, like physical trainers, drs, nutritionists.  I can’t tell you what a difficult thing is was for me to start going to a support group, and how difficult it was to see a physical trainer.  I kept catching myself trying to show them what I knew instead of just listening to what they had to say.  I really had to bite my tongue.  I also am quick to criticize myself for being so overweight and out of shape, either directly or through humor.  Even writing about my journey where others is difficult for me, but I wanted to make myself more accountable to others because my internal voice is really hard on me. 
2. Labeling:  I labled myself as “fat” long before I was actually fat.  I was a head of my high school cheerleading team & head of drill team, and I felt like I was so fat.  I know, looking at the pictures, that I wasn’t.  In fact, I was right in the middle of the cheerleading squad (which I should have realized since I was both a base and a flyer) and the cheerleading squad was not overweight at all.  I am big boned, so I was never going to be the impish, cute person I idealized.  Even at my smallest my wrists were as big as many men and I had problems finding women’s watches that fit due to my bone size.  When I became a mom I slapped on the label “frumpy” because “that is what mom’s are”.  It might have been more true in my home community, which seems to be a few generations behind in societal standards, but it is not a “truth”.  I also saw myself as very much like my Grandma, who did have a lot of good qualities, but was known for her ability to cook a great meal…a very, very fattening traditional Mennonite cuisine.  Most of the women in my family are big…both of my Grandmas were/are the exact same size I am, same height, same dress size.  (The one still living also has my same taste, so getting hand-me-downs from her is great.  hee hee).  There is also a little voice in my head that makes me think this is how I am supposed to be because that is the way they are.  The only major difference is that they both have been on every diet with no success and I have never really tried to diet seriously.
3. Fortune Telling:  I also have the self-fulfilling prophesy of my labeling.  To me, these two things are very intertwined.
4. Frustration thinking:  Yeah, this is definatly true for me.  I have spent years thinking it is too hard, and therefore I never got to the starting line.  The only up side to this is that I have avoided the yo-yo dieting because I never even tried to diet.  (therefore avoiding some of the health problems associated with this)  It does seem overwhelming and I fight that every minute of every day as I try to make changes anyway.  I am making progress with this obstacle because this time I did start.  I finally have taken those first steps, something I have never done before.
5. All-or-Nothing thinking:  The perfectionist in me.  I have already done a lot of work in this area and am not as strongly this way, but I certainly was and I still have to tell myself not to give into this feeling.  Flylady has helped me a lot with this attitude and it does spill into other areas of my life.
6. Self-Downing:  I do this a lot.  I was bullied and teased unmercifully as a child in school.  To make it worse, I was in a small school and 20 or so of the 35 people or so in my graduating class I went to school with from the time I was in preschool until I graduated high school (and about 4 all the way through college).  I never got a “do-over”.  My role was clearly set and defined.  Now that those voices are gone, my internal voice has taken over.  I am never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough…enough anything.  I do a lot of the self-downing through humor.  It is a major coping mechanism for me.  I have recognized this and am trying to change it.  This is the voice that is hardest for me to change and squelch.  It is deeply ingrained into me.  It is at the core of me and why a large part of me thought I had so many m/c s because God must have thought I wasn’t good enough to be a parent.  It is why I worry I won’t have any more kids. (maybe God will realize He was right the first 7 times).  It is the part of me that needs the most healing.  The feeling that I don’t deserve happiness.
7. Poor Me Thinking:  I do this too.  The feeling everybody else has it easier than me. Life is not fair….but it should be dang it!  lol.  Everyone else can be skinny without even trying, have money…you know…the envy factor.  The feeling of deprivation.  I am doing much better at this, but it is still there at times.  This is the one I have learned to pull myself out of easier and recognize the gifts I have and how good my life really is.
8. Hoarding factor:  Not something he mentioned, but something else I have problems with. I am pretty sure this is born out of not having food, any food available at one point in my life.  You see this all the time in the “depression era” generations.  The inability to throw something out because you might need it.  It is beyond difficult for me to make a “no fail” environment by throwing out perfectly good food.  I would rather eat it and buy healthy replacements.  The idea of throwing it out when we are on food stamps and there might not be enough money to buy the healthy stuff to replace it.  Also, I am much more able to control my eating when there is plenty of food in the house.  The less food there is, the more I start going into survival mode and eating anything not nailed down because I am afraid of being hungry.  I also start craving pasta and other starchy foods.  It is also a factor when my parents take us out to one of those buffet places..you know, you gotta get your money’s worth…load it up, eat enough for several days.

He mentioned several other things that just don’t apply to me at all:  Catastrophising (drama queen behavior), Pipe Dreaming (wanting to look like a model), and Gut-level Reasoning (did this in high school, felt fat – thought everyone else believed I was fat, but feel like I have grown out of this and am much more honest with myself)

My brain is tired now. lol.