Taking the Scenic Route

Zach just received word that his dad died tonight. He had a massive heart attack. He just turned 63.

We don’t know anything more at this point.

eta: He had a heart attack while planting a tree. He loved landscaping, so, at least he was doing something he loved to do. He was alone, his wife (not Zach’s mom, btw) found him.

I have PCOS with Insulin Resistence. I start taking Metformin today. (After Zach gets home because I can’t pick it up with the car I have here). I am not sure which is worse, premature menopause or PCOS, but it isn’t like I have a choice in the matter. lol.

It does explain a lot of things though. I know it fits, I just wish it didn’t.

Three weeks ago the only medication I was on was vitamin pills. Now I have allergy meds, allergy inhaler and now this. *sigh* I feel old.

Not for Zane, but for me.  I am going through testing for PCOS and Insulin Resistence.  *sigh*  It would explain a number of things, from my extreme difficulty with losing weight (I swear, everytime I tell people how much I eat, they don’t believe me because I just don’t seem to take in the calories required to be the weight I am at), the depression that always seems to be just under the surface even during my happiest times, to the high number of miscarriages I have had.  It might also be why I seemed to have stopped lactating despite Zora still nursing. (that one makes me more sad than it should…I didn’t realize I wasn’t making milk any more, but suspected something was going on when I didn’t have engorgement during the vacation)

I am somewhat familiar with PCOS from my years on Infertility boards.  Everybody there seemed to have either Endometriosis or PCOS…looks like I might have had both and not realized it.  hmmm. 

Something is going on with me.  I hope I find answers.  Why does time pass so slowly when you are waiting for test results?

On a rather ironic note, my best friend was dx’ed with PCOS and anaovulatory years ago, and was diagnosed with Endo more recently. I have had Endo since I was 12 or 13, and might be getting a PCOS dx now.

In Kansas, it was 2am when we woke up and had breakfast in Germany, and 4 am when we pulled away from the hotel in the shuttle bus.  Our hearts ached to see the faces of our kids, and it was 9:30 at night before we rounded the corner and saw them standing there. 

The Frankfurt Airport has got to be the most stale, institutional airport we have been in.  Our trip here we went to the basement and wound through corridors, and didn’t see the outside until we exited the parking garage.  Up a floor it wasn’t much better.  Everything is shades of gray and white, with so many security and passport checks I lost count, and a huge maze of endless corridors to walk through.  For the first time ever we actually had to open up bags at one of the security checks…they wanted to see Zach’s shaving razor.  A little nerve wracking when I couldn’t find it right away and had to dig through our cram packed luggage. Even worse to try and close it again.  We finally made it to our gate an hour and a half after arriving from the hotel, very thankful we only had our carry on luggage to deal with through all of that.   We had another hour and a half to wait.  I knitted, Zach played games on the computer.  I was so glad when they started boarding.

The plane going back for the longest leg of our journey was a seat narrower than the one we flew up in, and without the personal touchscreen tv and information panel.  Boring old fashioned, narrow, crowded seats, but at least this time I had a window seat and Zach was next to me in an isle seat (a little more ability to stretch the legs and not jammed up against a stranger this time).

Accending

Most of Germany and most of the rest of Europe, actually, our view for 80-90% of the trip

The clouds break enough to get a peek at England

and a quick peek at Ireland as we go out over open ocean

Where the sky meets the sea

And after watching Horton Hears A Who, in German, on a little screen off in the distance,  I finally see land again.  I would guess it is Newfoundland, but since I couldn’t watch where were where specifically like I could on the way there, I can’t be sure.

We landed in Chicago O’Hare.  We thought a 2.5 hour layover was a long layover until we had to actually experience it.  We waited in enourmous lines for Customs, were sniffed by drug and agricultural dogs, and I was constantly distracted by a teen I presume was autistic and wished I was physically close enough to the mom to try and help them out as she was obviously struggling with a boy who was just done with the whole thing.  I felt bad that all I could offer where prayers she couldn’t hear.  I had noticed them earlier and could hear them about 20-30 rows behind us when the plane landed and he started crying.  I was glad to see no negative reaction from fellow passengers.  It was hard on me knowing I couldn’t really help, especially since I had heard them speaking exclusively in what I assume was an Indian language.  It further intensified my ache for my own kids.

After the long wait through customs, we found that we had very little time to get the hot dog from Gold Coast Dogs we had been dreaming about since we heard we were flying through Chicago, but we booked it there and back to our gate, arriving with a happy tummy and just in time to board the little plane that would take us home.

After about 19 hours in daylight, the sun finally goes out of sight for us.

Finally, we land.  We walk across the tarmac and once again lug our suitcases up the stairs, and start the longest walk of the trip, the last few hundred feet to see my babies again.

When we came around the corner, Zach spotted them first (height has it’s advantages.  lol).  Zora had her arms out reaching for us, and Zane was clapping in joy.  The grown-ups were all a bit teary.    Mom and Dad took our luggage and we held on to the kids as we went out to the car, hugged good-bye to them, and drove home.  (through a drive in for some burgers because there was no way we were making ourselves supper.  lol)

The kids had the signs up for us when we walked in:

We made it. 
Home Sweet Home.

Noticed the ticker this morning and laughed.  Looked at it again after bible school and it seemed appropriate. 

As I was pulling out the drive way this morning, when I turned, something sharp cramped in my back.  Shooting pain.  I didn’t have any ibuprofen on me either.  My dear husband put his warm hand on the spot and I really tried to relax my back as much as I could.  Not a great start.  After I drop Zach off I take the kids to breakfast.  (this week was the first time Zora has seen a McDonalds, the 2nd or 3rd time for Zane…one of which was meeting Bede and his family at a playdate years ago…not because of some ethical issue like other boycotts, but because it is nasty.  lol).  I got everything ready for the kids and went to sip the coffee and about passed out from pain as it hit “the” tooth (The same one that started giving me problems about 2 days after our insurance ran out)  Yeah me.   At least I didn’t spill the coffee today…I didn’t realize how flimsy the trays were yesterday and tried to grab it with one hand…the former waitress in me was horrified.

There were some really good moments today.  He loves the singing part and did a pretty good job of doing the actions along with the song.  He did a great job when they played a game sort of like musical chairs…you walk around a circle on rug squares with numbers on them.  When they stop the music, they call out a name, and if you are standing on the number, you go get some candy.  Not only did he do it with almost no prompting, but he didn’t complain when others won, and he went to get the candy when they called his number.  I was proud of him. 

During craft time I started to smell something.  Lovely.  Ended up having to go out to the car to change his pants after that one.  We went back and had snack and he didn’t want to eat the grapes and apples, two of his favorite things, which is very weird for him.  After snack is story time, but I had decided that we weren’t going to attempt story time (he knows as soon as he hits the room that it is just story/sitting and listening time and I saw an actor dragging a cross around the hallway earlier when going for the diaper change and realized that it was probably supposed to be more solemn today…not a good mix with a boy who will fight being in the room.)  That turned out to be a great decision.  While we were sitting there watching the weavers (and actually helping her spin bobbins) I heard, then smelled something very, very bad.  Even worse than the first time.  It was liquid and horrid.  I got him changed, he was screaming because it was hurting him, so we just went and got Zora and left.  It was almost time to go anyway by the time I got him changed.

I decided to just pick up Zach for lunch and go home so that he could drive himself back from work later.  Originally I was thinking of going to Exploration Place in the afternoon before picking up Zach, but Zane needed to be home more, and I don’t want to deal with diapers like that in public if I don’t have to. 

Back home now.  I have Ibuprofen in me, Zane is happily watching some Mario Bros. videos and Zora is playing in the playroom and occasionally bugging Zane (I hear playing noises, abruptly interrupted by “No Zora!” and “Mine!” and such.  lol.)  So, back to normal.  I am achy, but it is manageable, Zane seems comfortable and happy.  (love Butt Paste…miracle butt protector). Zora took a nap in the car, but won’t go back to sleep and I am now at the threshold where I hope she doesn’t fall asleep any more because it will interfere with nighttime sleep.

Let me start with:  the “Vacation” part of the name is really misleading.  lol. 

It went alright.  We had a rough start…while I was dropping Zora off at the nursery, Zane walked away from me.  He was there one minute, and disappeared the next.  The crowd was FAR more than I was anticipating too.  I started to look for him in the crowd, then quickly realized he probably headed the other direction given the noise and chaos.  Sure enough…he was outside, walking the perimeter of the landscaped island that defined the drop off drive area.  It took some convincing to get him to come back in.

For the most part, he did fairly well, especially if you take into consideration the amount of noise and chaos there.  They had actions to the songs in the big room (the area that is usually the sanctuary, with all of the chairs removed) and he followed along better than I thought he would.  He was able to participate in most of the activities, although a few of them were just too challenging for him on his own (carrying a plastic teaspoon of water from a bucket to a 2 liter bottle about 20 feet away…the water stayed for about 3 steps.  lol.  I helped steady his hand and we walked back together with the spoon).  The weaving activity he did well at, even better than some of the kids around us.  He also was able to put three little beads on a little string to make a necklace…all of the painful hours I have spent working with him on threading paid off…yeah!  The most challenging part of the day was getting him to stay with his group, but I could hardly blame him because you really had to pay attention to your group because there were just too many people going every direction. 

It was worth it, but it was hard on me.  When I finally got both kids back into the car afterwards I was choking back tears from the stress and sadness of seeing that gap widen between him and his peers.  I was also very proud of how far he has come though.

I think he liked it, at least most of it.  The church really did a nice job of organizing it and making it interesting for the kids…I was impressed.  We will be back tomorrow, and I suspect it will go a little better.  Of course, by the time he really has the routine down, it will be over. (it is Mon-Thurs, just this week).

Good News!
For the first few weeks of his new job, Zach will have use of the company car.  That way we have time to get together some money for a second car for the family.  He has a small amount of retirement money that he will be able to access from the state job (they take money out of your check whether you want to or not for retirement, and since it is tied to the stock market, we are losing money every month at this point anyway, and it isn’t a large sum to begin with).  Now that his last day has passed, we can either roll it into an IRA or take the money out.  Considering we could replenish the amount in just a few months, and we need a car now, we are going to get a used car with it.  (we get cars that are too old to get bank loans for).

The insurance drama
They changed the policy of how insurance is done at the school, so we won’t have insurance for the next two months.  That really stinks.  As it turns out, however, it wouldn’t matter for the therapies because our last therapy with the OT bounced because they only cover 30 sessions a year in combined ST and OT.  So, it wouldn’t have been covered anyway.  That means we can’t afford OT over the summer until the new insurance kicks in in August.  If we have anything catastrophic happen in those 60 days, we can pay $2000 to Cobra and it will backdate to cover it.  It is expensive, but at least it is something.  It does mean I will have to cancel some dr. appointments for the summer, but I can reschedule them for fall when the new insurance kicks in.

I have a call in to the private place he gets ST to see if they will still cover us with financial aid or not.  I also signed him up for a social skills camp taking place there for a week this summer, so that hangs in the balance too.  The other place doesn’t take insurance, so it doesn’t affect there.  (we are on financial aid there too)

eta:  I talked to the insurance person at the private ST, and she thinks that we are fine…loss of insurance shouldn’t affect the financial aid contract.  She did tell me to call the HR person at his new job and make sure we are still in the window for pre-existing condition covereage.  We probably are, but if we aren’t, we will need to dig up the money to pay Cobra so there isn’t too long of a window.   Between Zane and me, not covering pre-existing would be a serious, serious problem.  I haven’t had any symptoms of Endo in a long, long time, but it is still pre-existing and might affect my ability to get a hysterectomy without a lot of hoops.  (when I am done having kids, the sucker is coming out…I pay a heavy and painful price to maintain fertility, and if I was sure we were done, it would already be gone)

Prospective international travelers
We have to get passports (at least Zach does) because his company wants to send him to Germany this summer sometime.  Hopefully after Aug. 1st so we don’t have to travel without insurance.  Hopefully a little later too so that we can afford for me, and possibly Zane, to go with him.  There is no way I am traveling with a two year old that will get nothing out of the trip but make everything ten times more difficult.  If there is nobody to watch her, I would rather stay home than travel with her, even though it would be disappointing.

Plus, she isn’t vaxed yet, and I am not speeding up vaxes for that.  We might get a tetanus this summer, but we want to wait until 3 and the blood-brain barrier is closed before getting the majority of the vaxes.  (it closes sometime during this year).  Zach and I will probably need boosters, but we think Zane has everything he would need to travel, unless they require the Chicken Pox one.  I will have to double check, but I think that since we got the MMR very late (he was almost 5) we don’t need any more of those.  I also hope it is later in the summer because it will give him (and me) time to learn some German before we go.  We are thinking of getting Rosetta Stone, but the prices are eye popping.  Less than classes, but still expensive.

*warning* depressing post…

Blah
The kids are coughing again, I am joining them, and as I write this I hear a cough from Zach.  Oh joy.  I just feel so blah.  Might have a low grade fever too because all of my clothes hurt and I just have zero energy.  If I didn’t feel so crappy, I would probably find Zora’s new fascination with band-aids cute, but I don’t feel good enough to really appreciate every little flaw on my body pointed out and having a band-aid put on it at this point.  (which I have to remove soon after because I am sensitive to adhesives/latex).  Not one of my favorite days, but could be worse.   I wish I had the energy to clean because this place sure could use it.

 A frustrating end to the semester for Zach
      AKA….cheater, cheater, pumkin eater…
I haven’t been able to write about the drama here the last few weeks because, well, you will understand.  It sucked though.  As Zach was looking over the last assignments of the year, he discovered a student cheating.  Not just a little cheating, but turning in the exact file, down to the other student’s name in the header file.  Then he went back through the semester and found other similar examples (even one other student who didn’t bother to erase the first student’s name out of the header file). 

When all was said and done, there were seven students, most of them international students.  It was so disheartening and frustrating.  It was, of course, in the in-person class and not the online classes (which would be much harder to cheat from anyway, but most students who take online classes aren’t getting together with other students…much more self reliant as a whole.  They don’t even ask as many questions). 

If he continues to teach, there are some loopholes he will have to close up.  He just didn’t think students at this level would do that (the grad student who participated was especially shocking), it just didn’t really cross his mind that people could be that way.  He now knows why older, more experienced profs are hard asses…they have to be.  They have been burned, they have been taken advantage of, and they don’t want to go through the PITA work of dealing with cheaters. 

It is a major PITA too.  He probably spent more time researching and documenting than the students did on the assignments.  He was told to give every cheating assignment a zero and turn in all of the documentation to the department.  That meant almost all of the students, except one, failed the course.  The one that didn’t got too low of a grade to take the next class.  For the international students, it could have bigger consequences, even if they don’t get “Failed because of cheating” on their transcript.  If international students don’t pass a certain number of hours, their student visas can be revoked.  The department heads will decide if there is any further action (adding a “cheated” notation after the “F”,  or kicking them out of the program, or kicking them out of the school…it is at the discretion of the department heads and possibly the Dean, if it gets passed up to them, and if there is any history of cheating)

Now he is getting emails begging him to change the grades and acting like they are innocent.  Emails begging him because their lives are going to be royally screwed up by this.  I am sorry, but it isn’t his fault that you are going to have your financial aid revoked, or not be able to be a GTA next semester, or are going to be on FA probation.  You did this to yourself when you chose to cheat.  All of the students cheated more than once.  I think if it had been once, then you pulled your head out of your nether regions and didn’t do it again, I could feel a little sorry for, but when you cheat all the way through a class, it shows a lack of character and good judgement.  You have nobody but yourself to blame for your actions and the consequences. 

So, the last few weeks, which should have been time to relax and enjoy our family, and the closest thing we ever get to a vacation, have been fraught with frustration of having to deal with this mess.  So irritating.

 
And, if that didn’t suck enough…My Grandma’s friend and neighbor was murdered

http://www.ksn.com/news/local/19113194.html

She lives in an independent living community attached to the nursing home in the very small town of Buhler.  It is an award winning, wonderful facility in a one stoplight town and most of the residents are from the surrounding community and she has known them her whole life. (probably related to a few too)  She already suffers from anxiety and similar issues, and now every time she opens her door, she sees the door of her friend, the one the killer walked through. 

She said she thought she had heard pounding on her door that night (she has a fan and white noise machine to help her sleep), but assumed she was hearing things since she often does.  (she can’t physically hear her neighbors, and there is no way she heard pounding on her friend’s door, but she might have heard the killer pounding on her door)  If that isn’t enough to make you shudder, I don’t know what is. 

My mom stopped by the next day and grandma was out for coffee with her buddies (a really good thing).  Mom brought by some flowers produced by plants she transplanted from Grandma’s farm to her own farm to cheer her up.  She put the flowers in the vase and was grabbing the trash as she was ready to out the door to meet grandma at the coffee shop, when Grandma walked in.  It totally freaked Grandma out that the door was unlocked and it took her a bit to calm down.  Mom felt about as horrible as you can feel.  They decided to get out of there, away from the stress and the police and the news crews.  They drove to Wichita for the day and enjoyed some dining and shopping.  It turned out to be a good day for them both, but how much does it suck to have to deal with something like that when you are in your late 80s.  I hope she can recover from this, but I am really worried.

Zora is sick and cranky and hanging on me.  It is day 2 of this and I am ready for the crankyness to END.

Zane has no therapy this week until Thursday evening.  The university is on spring break, so there goes 2 speech therapies and Reading Explorers.  Our OT is leaving heartsprings and I was suprised to learn it was our last session with her last week, and no replacement as of yet.  (although we will see if insurance will pay for us to follow her to her private practice, even though it will be a bit of a drive), and the hippotherapy for today was cancelled last night for a mix of reasons (the main person either got fired or quit, one of the horses is lame, and I think our OT called in to cancel….and it rained today, so it would have been canceled anyway).  So, it will be a long week for us.

I am starting to feel cranky too.  *pout*  With Zora not feeling well, it means we are not really able to go out as much either.

Trying the enzyme regimen has brought up a whole host of old feelings that I thought were neatly put away.  “Old timers” on this journey will tell you that there are ups and downs, but somehow, I thought I had dealt with it and moved quite peacefully into “acceptance”.  I was naive.

I honestly started the enzyme therapy simply to make sure he wasn’t in pain.  As much as I told myself that, I keep finding myself looking for a sign that there is some dramatic breakthrough.  And as soon as I start getting excited at some small thing, or deeply disappointed in another small thing, I feel the most incredible guilt.  Overwhelming guilt because I feel like a hypocrite, because I am hoping for a positive change in his symptoms.  I can’t find a way to reconcile my feelings quite yet. 

I think watching him deal with some of the side effects is making it even harder.  He is making some improvements in language, ect, but he uses some of that to tell me he has a stomach ache and feels yucky.  Healing isn’t comfortable, I know.  I went through a lot of surgeries and drug treatments over the years to deal with endometriosis, and my mom had to stand by and watch me going through it.  I think it is harder to watch than to be the one going through it though, having been on both sides now.  I hate this and am excited about it at the same time.